Blog Splatterings, Too Down to Lift You Up

As if I dipped my quill in an ink well and carelessly dripped black splotches all over my paper, I couldn't see what the words of my life were saying? HUH? Exactly. Lately the things I have been wanting to write were like blog-splatterings. Smudges, smears and unclear, my thoughts were covered with imperfections. How could I share uplifting words of encouragement when I couldn't even encourage myself? What kind of blogger would I be if all I could share was negativity? I wasn't going to draw a life picture with words that would only bring my readers down. I just couldn't do it. So I just didn't.
 
 I have a few friends who share with me stories of ugly situations they went through. Some remain stuck and wedged in a life time of childhood abuses and can't move forward. I am saddened for them.
  After one of my share sessions I began to recall some things that I wish were never brought to my mind. It was a memory that disturbed my heart and Satan was fighting his best to bring it to my thoughts as often as he could. Only this time, I ( thought I  ) was at fault in a situation. And it hurt. Knowing that the pedophile used me to lure in and even get into the act of using another child is gut- wretching. I was a child, she was a child and we were both being attacked by the molester. A sick mans game brought us into what seemed like a truth or dare child's game. But there was no truth to it and I should not have dared to participate. Verbal commands mirrored two young girls at his demand. I recently was traumatized by Satan's lies calling myself the molester. Sadness consumed me. Satan laughed as he lied and Jesus cried the tears that rolled down my cheeks.
  
The months of holidays came and went. I felt so alone. I dared not share this with anyone. After all, who would want to hear this crud during a season that is supposed to be one of celebration and joy. My therapist had her own situations and didn't need to hear mine. My new friend was in her "triggering" season and couldn't see past her haunting memories  to see that I had any of my own.  Meanwhile, other "victims" I was sharing with weren't quite yet overcoming...so I kept my junk ( mostly) to myself.
 
I kept it to myself. That, my dears, was the problem. Instead of giving it to God and asking the Holy Spirit to help me through it, I kept the lies and disgrace and claimed it as my own.  What would have happen if I had first shared with the Lord what He already knew was on my heart? Oh the freedom that would have been given . The healing once more could have begun. God was there when these things happened. Wasn't He waiting for me to come to Him when this situation would come from the depths of me? Nothing surprises God. He is prepared to lift me up, dust me off, wipe my tears and gently kiss away the fears with His Love.
  
 Listen, It's this simple. I didn't write because I couldn't. I didn't want other to feel the low I was feeling or to share in the grief that I hugged so tightly to. Making others sink into depression with me, well, I am not here to blog such an attitude.  But what I am here to  do is to witness to others about is that we have a great big awesome God who loves us far beyond our imaginations. We able to pray to God and tell Him all our needs. He wants us to be completely honest about the way we are feeling, and ask Him to guide us in finding the help we need.

Does it seem as if you just can't be comforted or relieved from your problems of the past or in the present? If so, pray. Perhaps God will place a person or someone else to guide you to a pastor or godly counselor that can help.

 I will not have perfect days. Smudges will come and smear my mind with errors. Let me encourage you to trust in the Lord God to bring you through the toughest of days. I will have them. You will have them. And both of us can give them to Him and get back on track.

I apologize to my readers, my friends, my family for not being real with you." I want to be real", in the words of a great friend. So there it is, laid before you and laid at the cross. Claim and own the grace, the mercy and the power, through the Holy Spirit to get through the "splatterings". In Jesus Name.

 

If you are visiting this via email please visit my blog page, www.writeblessings.blogspot.com to listen to the song placed in my heart just for this blog entry, I turn to You Jesus.

Blessings, Mary

Thinking Outside the Box

I entered my home, gasped, took a close look at the mess, leaned against the wall and slid down collapsing to the floor. Where do I even start? There is just something that happens when company comes. Tornadoes. They happen. They bring in piles of dishes, sheets, towels, empty toilet paper rolls and tons of  unidentifiable things to clean out of the refrigerator. In this house..wear your shoes. Don't dare take them off at the door.

 Christmas came and left in a hurry. I didn't  let my heart get a real chance to bathe in the beauty of it all. I had unpacked several boxes of this and that to decorate with. The tree came later than usual. My yard got more decorated than I had anticipated. Christmas cookie parties and dinners were fun. But still, chaos contaminated the peace on earth good will toward men. Just when the radio quit playing jingle bells and Away in the Manger... along came New years. Ready  or not.

So now what? Wash clothes, clean out the refrigerator, mop these sticky floors, clean bathrooms (which need done desperately after having three boys here all week), dust, windex, find  that  "what is making that smell ?", and unclutter the counter tops. (Hey do I have counters? I don't remember. Hmmmm.?)

The tree. I need to take down the Christmas tree. After all the needles like the floor better than the branches. The dogs will  miss drinking the pine flavored water from the tree stand. 

I looked around the living room. Stockings need to be emptied the rest of the way out and put in the box along with the stuffed sheep my father in law gave me 35 years ago. I love that warped lopsided old sheep. The nativity sets, all 8 need to be placed carefully in their storage box.

The Nativity. Baby Jesus was taken out of the boxes and plopped on top of the piano.That is about how it went. No wonder Christmas didn't have the same spirit about it this year. I barely dusted Him off. And now it's time  to put Jesus away.

Put Him away? Is that how Christmas goes? Amongst the chaos and ripped apart wrapping paper, do we discard or store away Jesus? Thinking this way gave my heart shivers. Had I been cold about this season? And since when does Jesus need to be put away with all the red and green decorations and plastic red striped candy canes?

It is a New year. I think this year, I will keep at least Jesus out of the box. Yes.  Think outside the box. That will be my resolution.  The pastor asked us to think of what we want this New Year to be like. For me, I want Jesus to be displayed even more in my life.  No empty unkeepable promises. No diet, nor a cleaner house. The house will get messy again and I will definitely find myself eating something  I shouldn't or more of what I never needed in the first place.

 In the mornings when I wake up and at night when I go to bed the house will become a mess again. And sometimes, so will I. But, If I keep Jesus right there in front of me, I will find myself relying on Him to pull me through, dust me off, clean me up and let me shine..for Him.

Is Jesus just something to display on a mantel at your house during the Christmas season? Just what happens to Him when it's time to pack up the sparkles and glitter?  Does Peace on Earth Good Will Toward men continue to sing when you flip your calendar? 

 It's a new year.  I am praying for decisions and choices to think outside the box.  Where will you place Jesus this year?



http://youtu.be/UxeYuSGcA04

Wrapped in His Love

When all words fail, Jesus never does.                                 
Merry Christmas to my friends,
I give you this ...wrapped in His Love.

Merry Christmas From the Edwards Family.

Isaiah 9:6 -"For to us a child is born, to us a Son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (NIV)

(   http://youtu.be/wHnXIE_vfis   )

 

Alicia's Story, Treasured Scars. Part I

 Welcome to my blog, a girl who's story will touch your heart....

Alicia's Story

On October 28th 1981 I was 2 years old. I was In a fire that day. From what I have been told by my parents, I got out of my crib in the middle of the night. My father had left the electric heater on that night and when I got out of my crib I somehow knocked the heater over, starting a fire. I have no memory of the fire but again from what I have been told my parents my brother woke up and got me out of the fire and wrapped me in a blanket then wrapped himself in one. My mother and father had woken up also. My mother broke a window to get us out of the house. I was not breathing once we were outside the house. The fire department and ambulance was called and a truck driver had stopped and helped my mother perform CPR on me and had me breathing again. I was then Life Flight to Children’s Hospital. My arms, legs and chest had second and third degree burns. They did skin graphs from my legs onto my arms and chest. I was in Children’s Hospital for five weeks and once out I had to wear a full ace bandage body suit for nine months having to have it resized every three months.

School was the hardest part of having burns. I am still amazed at how cruel children can sometimes be to each other. I always felt like an outcast, it was very hard for me to make friends. The kids in the many schools I went to as a child would call me names like burnt toast, Freddy cougars wife, torch and my brother liked calling me crispy critter. I took those names to heart and was always extremely hurt by those names. I became very self conscious and had very low self esteem thru elementary school into middle school. Then my parents took me to Shiners clinic, where we discussed doing surgery to remove my burns. We also tried some special make up on my arms to try and help hide my burns. While I was at the Shiners clinic I saw a lot of kids who had been burnt badly also. I was very surprised, I had always thought I was alone and that nobody knew how I felt. The thing that struck me the most was that I was in a way luckier then some of the other children there. I,to this day, at the age of 34, can not remember anything from the fire but I realized that day at Shiners that most of those kids could still remember what happened to them and it made me very sad. Visiting the Shiners Clinic and seeing all the other kids who were like me changed how I felt about my burns. I became less self conscious about them. I accepted the fact that I had scars that would never go away and were a part of my story in life.

Once I was in High school the name calling by my peers had stopped. I still had low self esteem but it had little to nothing to do with my burns. I had stopped trying to hide my burns with my clothes and started to be more comfortable about them. I would wear tank tops and my bathing suit without a t-shirt to cover my self. In a way I didn’t notice them as much and neither did my peers. Some people would still stare when I went out in public and yes sometime it would bother me but I gradually got over even that. It was nice when a curious person would actually ask me about my burns. I appreciated it when people would ask it was so much better then staring and pointing. I would always thank them for asking. Now as an adult I hardly notice my burns and most of the people I know or encounter in life do not notice either.

 

My burns are a part of me, they do not define me but they are mine forever and they can be a pretty good conversational topic and sometimes even educational.

 

Written By: Alicia A. Ziglar

 

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. ⁹ We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. ¹⁰ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

Oh Lord, I am thankful of true life stories that we can see reflections of ourselves. Bless Alicia as she shares her story of not being destroyed by life but instead treasures the reminder of how her life was saved.Thank You for letting her see herself through Your eyes.  Lord I lift the readers of this, that they see that no matter what life has scarred them with, Lord, that they have life with You.Thank You, Father, for walking with us through the fires.  Keep our vision on the good that You bring out our troubles making us stronger and giving us a TESTimony, giving us faith in the outcomes of all trials. Help us Lord to be... and to see... the beautiful reflection of You. In Jesus Name, Amen

 

 

               

Hope in Educating

I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned as well as my stomach playing cartwheels in the anticipation of the newspaper article. I prayed to God that the words would focus on Him and not on me. I worried about the exposure of certain words that might cause ill feelings from my siblings. I let my mind wonder to a friends statement long ago that said, "Aren't you worried about what other's will think ?" That was what I was doing. I worried myself sick about what others would think of me. I withdrew what  I gave to God... security in putting my faith in Him.  I put my head on my pillow after I knew this article would finally appear in our local paper. I sighed a prayer, I closed my eyes with my head throbbing and my chest hurting from it's pounding and said, "Lord, Let this be about YOU."

I woke up with jitters and faced the world. Only to find myself being comforted with friends, family and a community of encouragers.

 

I want to thank all of you for helping me on this journey. I share this with you all, dedicating each sentence to you. I didn't do this alone. God has used each of you. Thank you.

Thank You Kiesa Kay for writing...not about me but about the work the Lord has done, will do and will continue to do. God Bless You.

 

 

 

Edwards finds hope in educating

Tuesday, November 19, 2013, Tryon Daily Bulletin
by Kiesa Kay

Mary Edwards an outspoken advocate for children's rights, has discovered a mission that fuels and empowers her.

 

"I would rather educate to prevent child abuse than have to worry about the healing, but I also believe in giving people hope in healing,” she said. “We have to educate everyone, starting with our churches, and get people to open their eyes. So many children have been abused, and yet many of us don’t want to admit it or don’t think it can happen here. It happens everywhere.”

Edwards cited FBI statistics that say one in every four girls and one in every six boys in the United States are sexually abused by the time they reach age 18.

“I can’t be quiet about it any more, because being quiet hurts,” she said. “Now I share my own truth to let people know they can begin healing, too. If I can let people know that every day people have been abused, then they can begin to accept that it could happen even in their own homes.”

Edwards identifies as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, from the time she can first remember until she reached age 14.

Sharing her truth with her friends and family freed her, she said, and strengthened her courage to heal.

“When I released the pressure of that silence, a peace came over our family,” she said. “My husband and family have been very supportive of me now. Every time in the past, when a memory or hurt would be triggered, I couldn’t tell them what was bothering me … Now, they are more compassionate, because I can explain. I felt like I had a hidden, dirty secret, and I don’t feel dirty any more. I know I’m worth more than all the mud I’ve walked through.”

Edwards attributes her healing to her family’s love, good therapy from Bobbie Shannon who once worked at Steps to HOPE, and her faith in the Lord.

“God has given me a shield in this ministry,” she said. “I am a warrior woman for God. There’s a song that says ‘Be a Voice for the ones who have no choice,’ and when I first heard that song, I knew what I had to do.”

Edwards recently attended the Christian Communicators Conference to hone her speaking skills. She also delved deep into her own heart, and found strength in a kind of forgiveness.

“I had to forgive my mother, who neglected and did not protect me. I had to forgive the people who had laughed at me in my life, or called me degrading names because of what I’ve experienced and its effects on me. I had to forgive the violators, and understand that when they did what they did, they were under Satan’s control. I had to forgive myself for my own mistakes,” she said. “And then I had to forgive God, who saw what happened and did not stop it. I know now that God was with me even in the darkest times, and I wouldn’t have survived otherwise.”

Education about childhood sexual abuse will prevent it from happening, as people learn the signs and symptoms and how to help, she said. Many times, children can’t or won’t tell what’s happening because they’re frightened, and sometimes the perpetrators may be the only adults paying much attention to them at all.

Sometimes perpetrators groom the children, giving them gifts or special attention in order to buy their silence. And children, with their kind hearts, often do not want any harm to happen to anyone at all, not even to the person who’s harming them, Edwards said.

“If I had not been educated about this, I would still be a miserable person,” she said. “I want to reach every adult in every church, because I believe in the power of prayer. If we admit that it happens here, we can begin to end it. We can’t reach into every home at once, so I want to begin in places that accept God, and use my faith.”

Edwards wants every child or teen who has been hurt to know that no matter what the circumstances, it isn’t the child’s or teen’s fault.

Edwards writes a blog at www.writeblessings.blogspot.com, and writing has helped her feel whole again, she said. Prayer has been a huge source of comfort for her, too.
Edwards has four children and three grandchildren, and her husband has become a source of kindness and support in her life, she said, but not everyone understands.

“Just because I’ve found a place of overcoming doesn’t mean that other people are there yet, but I want to do what I can to begin to offer education and comfort,” she said. “I like what I see in the mirror now. It’s a God thing.”

Nightmares Came with Hidden Abuse

I woke up covered in sweat. My body trembled as I held my breath. I threw the blankets from across me because of the heat that engulfed my body and out of exposure grabbed the end of the blanket and brought it quickly up to my chin securing me again. The nightmare consumed me. I couldn't get to my girls through the locked door. I banged and banged on his bedroom door but that violator, that one who stripped me from my innocence, had my own children in there. "GET THEM OUT ! GET THEM OUT!" with blood dripping from my hands I hit the locked door, "No! No ! NO !!!"  I screamed as I woke up from such a horrific helpless nightmare. I looked at my hands, nothing. No brokenness. No blood.. It was only a dream. A horrible, terrible, heart retching nightmare. My children weren't being devoured as I  had been. They were safe.

I remember that night, feeling completely helpless. Oh how I want to erase those thoughts from
coming to my head. I want to erase those haunting memories of abuses from my childhood.

I have read stories and heard confessions from women who said they aren't sure if they were molested or violated, but remember dreams of things happening to  their fragile little bodies. Others have vague memories and yet others wonder if the things that happened to them counted as abuses.

Information that may help you decide if you were sexually abused as a child:

Signs of knowing if a person was a victim of child sexual abuse.

When you were a young child or teenager, were you:

* Fondled, kissed, or held for an adults sexual gratification?
* Forced to perform oral sex on an adult or sibling?
*Raped or otherwise penetrated?
*Made to watch sexual acts?
*Fondled or hurt genitally?
*Shown sexual movies or other pornography?
* Made to pose for seductive or sexual photographs?
*Involved in child prostitution or pornography?
*Forced to take a part in ritualized abuse in which you were physically, psychologically or sexually tortured

Wikipedia describes child sexual abuse as : Child sexual abuse or child molestation is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure (of the genitals, female nipples, etc.) to a child with intent to gratify their own sexual desires, or to intimidate or groom the child, physical sexual contact with a child, or using a child to produce child pornography.

One woman claimed that it wasn't abuse because it was just incest, an older brother.  Another said, it
wasn't abuse because my uncle only did it once. I listened to a young woman tell how it felt good to be in a movie, and it couldn't be considered abuse if it felt good.  Just because your body reacts to stimulation, like all bodies should, it does not make the it less of a crime to be in that situation.

Remember that even if a man did not force "himself" into an opening of your body inappropriate behaviour and touching is still abuse. It may not leave physical pain it can still constitutes abuse that leaves invisible scars.

One invisible scar is the nightmares they leave behind, which could come in the form of day dreams, flash backs or nightmares.

Your nightmares may be your mind's way of dealing with a trauma that your conscious mind may have repressed.

  One woman explained, "I think the nightmares were a sign that I was actually starting to feel safe enough to allow my mind to explore those issues. Like it was my body's way of taking out the trash."  Acknowledging your current safety may be one key to moving away from the fear of the nightmares.

I dream ( for lack of better words) of the day that the trash of my memories  are able to be discarded to never be brought up again. Only, I know it doesn't work that way. I do remember. I get emotional sometimes, feeling somber. More and more, though, I feel the relief of overcoming those frightening moments. Honestly, I don't have that reoccurring torturous nightmare anymore. Bringing the truth out in the open released me from oppression. Satan isn't able to hold me with force being trapped in the negative mindset of it all.

Having nightmares brought me to even more truth, revealing what has happened in my life that I deeply hid. Having fear come to surface made me depend on God for security. It caused me to come face to face with unwanted  those fears, with a need of God to keep me safe. I learned to place trust in Him.


"The emotions we don’t want to face are inside of us, whether we deny it or not. They don’t scare God. The only problem is that they often scare  us. He wants you to have the courage to get really honest with yourself and with Him and face your fears and your past disappointments, frustration, anger, inner pain, and so on. He is not shocked. He knows it already and He still loves and accepts you. Rather than force Himself on you against your will, He honors you by restraining His longing to deliver you and tenderly waiting for you to trust Him enough to invite him into the dark corners of your life and let Him touch that ever so tender part of you with His healing hands." (Grantley Morris, How to cope with Nightmares and unwanted Dreams)

If you have had dreams, nightmares, flashbacks or visions of questioning abuses, please pay attention to the signals your "gut " is giving you. Brushing them off and sweeping them under the rug doesn't make truth disappear. It  may only bring festering to the deep hidden pain. Healing begins when you are honest with yourself and place trust where it needs to be.

 Ask the Lord to share with you those things which He feels need to come forward for your healing. At the same time, trust that He will take all the unnecessary things and nail them to the cross. Let Him help you through the hurting.

Lord Jesus, You are God alone of my life. Through the days of my life I have come to lean on you during good times and bad. Lord Jesus, I pray You would continue to bring healing and reconciliation in my life from the sexual abuse which took place. I pray that You would bring healing in my life from the past intense memories . Lord, I thank You for giving me the strength and freedom to no longer be held captive, but because of Your great love for Me that I am be able to have healing in this area of my life. Lord, bring support and encouragement into my life as I walk in this new season. Thank you for bringing me into a place of intimacy and dependence on You. I pray that men, women, and children, who have been abused, begin to heal from the traumatic abuses that they have endured, relying on you for revelation and knowledge. Remove the pain of nightmares and replace them with  comforting victory. Help us God. ( I need You still ) In Jesus Name, Amen

 

Speechless

It has been a busy week. I spoke and shared with a new friend with as much detail as I felt allowed to share about my feelings of prevention of abuses. I listened to educated men and women as we began a plan of action to do just that. I sat silent in the meeting doing my best to absorb all the words that were spoken. I felt like a pebble of sand amongst boulders of scholars.

Words should be easy to come by this week for this blog. But, some how, no matter how many times I have started, chicken scratched, laid out, and outlined... nothing. Nothing seemed to work together.

Last night I sat with a friend at church as we watched Billy Graham on the large screen in our sanctuary. God spoke. My friend became my sister as I got to share in her decision of giving her heart to the Lord.  Speechless.

Yet again, as I went to write this morning, nothing. Maybe it is time for me to be quiet and let God do the talking.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 ESV     
A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;


My prayer is that when I do speak, when words flow onto my paper or with  my voice, it is of Him.