Friday, February 7, 2014

Blog Splatterings, Too Down to Lift You Up

As if I dipped my quill in an ink well and carelessly dripped black splotches all over my paper, I couldn't see what the words of my life were saying? HUH? Exactly. Lately the things I have been wanting to write were like blog-splatterings. Smudges, smears and unclear, my thoughts were covered with imperfections. How could I share uplifting words of encouragement when I couldn't even encourage myself? What kind of blogger would I be if all I could share was negativity? I wasn't going to draw a life picture with words that would only bring my readers down. I just couldn't do it. So I just didn't.
 I have a few friends who share with me stories of ugly situations they went through. Some remain stuck and wedged in a life time of childhood abuses and can't move forward. I am saddened for them.
  After one of my share sessions I began to recall some things that I wish were never brought to my mind. It was a memory that disturbed my heart and Satan was fighting his best to bring it to my thoughts as often as he could. Only this time, I ( thought I  ) was at fault in a situation. And it hurt. Knowing that the pedophile used me to lure in and even get into the act of using another child is gut- wretching. I was a child, she was a child and we were both being attacked by the molester. A sick mans game brought us into what seemed like a truth or dare child's game. But there was no truth to it and I should not have dared to participate. Verbal commands mirrored two young girls at his demand. I recently was traumatized by Satan's lies calling myself the molester. Sadness consumed me. Satan laughed as he lied and Jesus cried the tears that rolled down my cheeks.
The months of holidays came and went. I felt so alone. I dared not share this with anyone. After all, who would want to hear this crud during a season that is supposed to be one of celebration and joy. My therapist had her own situations and didn't need to hear mine. My new friend was in her "triggering" season and couldn't see past her haunting memories  to see that I had any of my own.  Meanwhile, other "victims" I was sharing with weren't quite yet I kept my junk ( mostly) to myself.
I kept it to myself. That, my dears, was the problem. Instead of giving it to God and asking the Holy Spirit to help me through it, I kept the lies and disgrace and claimed it as my own.  What would have happen if I had first shared with the Lord what He already knew was on my heart? Oh the freedom that would have been given . The healing once more could have begun. God was there when these things happened. Wasn't He waiting for me to come to Him when this situation would come from the depths of me? Nothing surprises God. He is prepared to lift me up, dust me off, wipe my tears and gently kiss away the fears with His Love.
 Listen, It's this simple. I didn't write because I couldn't. I didn't want other to feel the low I was feeling or to share in the grief that I hugged so tightly to. Making others sink into depression with me, well, I am not here to blog such an attitude.  But what I am here to  do is to witness to others about is that we have a great big awesome God who loves us far beyond our imaginations. We able to pray to God and tell Him all our needs. He wants us to be completely honest about the way we are feeling, and ask Him to guide us in finding the help we need.

Does it seem as if you just can't be comforted or relieved from your problems of the past or in the present? If so, pray. Perhaps God will place a person or someone else to guide you to a pastor or godly counselor that can help.

 I will not have perfect days. Smudges will come and smear my mind with errors. Let me encourage you to trust in the Lord God to bring you through the toughest of days. I will have them. You will have them. And both of us can give them to Him and get back on track.

I apologize to my readers, my friends, my family for not being real with you." I want to be real", in the words of a great friend. So there it is, laid before you and laid at the cross. Claim and own the grace, the mercy and the power, through the Holy Spirit to get through the "splatterings". In Jesus Name.

If you are visiting this via email please visit my blog page, to listen to the song placed in my heart just for this blog entry, I turn to You Jesus.
Blessings, Mary


  1. How brave you are to verbalize all that's happened to you. Not having personal experience with this field, I do know God knows all about it, & He is drawing it out of you, at a rate you can handle.
    Don't ever apologize for what God is doing in your life, no matter WHAT friends & even family might say. You have been favorites for " just such a time as this".

    1. Cyn, So many need to hear that they are not alone ..but even more need to know they were NEVER alone. If we could just remember to turn to God and know the rewards of trusting Him to bring us through all the unfortunate things the world throws at us. What a more compassionate life we could live and share.

      Brave? Only through prayer. No. I don't want to fear what others might say. I do want to say what HE wants me to say. Praying it helps even just one person to know the love of our Heavenly Father. Called to be a voice...for Him. Love you Cyn. Be blessed.