Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Take Zero: The Unwanted Video

I hate it.  I HATE it !  I HATE IT !!!. I hate knowing eyes saw my abuse through child pornography. One more nasty little HUGE secret I kept from my husband for over thirty years. Shame has its way of digging deep into your bones and then leaks out every now and then from your eyes.
I cried in my office remembering the day that I received mail from the boy I was "going with" during the time of the major part of my abuse. That package came just a couple of years ago. It was a movie. Oh no... THE movie? No cover. No title. Not addressed to me but to my husband. Oh Crap. ( But I am sure I said another word. ) Why would he send it to him ? How did he have THAT movie for over 35 years. How did HE manage to get hold of it? Hell was choking me as the lumps gathered in my throat. My hands shook for weeks. I did not want to look at such filth. How nasty. How degraded I was feeling. How terribly horrible that I was displayed for some sick person's sexual pleasure. 
 I was going to let a friend of mine look at it ."I just want to know if it's what I think it is." 
But I could not bring myself to letting another human being see me in a child pornography video. I had heard I was in it. The boys who told me that they saw me in it even explained some details. Details that I remembered. It had to be true. I don't remember seeing the video camera. But I believed their words. I remember "doing " what they described. Why wouldn't I believe it? After all, my abuser coerced my very vulnerable very young appetite with the same type of videos. Clips still play like a broken reel to reel flipping over and over and over again in my mind.
Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of that garbage. This isn't something I  feel like I can take care of by myself.  Right now, I feel the need for therapy. I am not ashamed of saying such. I just told my husband about this horrific situation that I lived through. It has surfaced and it has been gnawing at me. Tension aches down my neck and back. My arms hurt. It's a real problem. And it's one that I have to pray through. God's got my back...and my heart. I have to give Him my mind as well. Satan would love to do a victory dance because He feels like I will snap under the pressures he put me under. (HA ! I have walked through many fires, I will trod and dance through this one too.) Although this may seem like small things to some people, those who have experienced know very well the damage it can cause.  But I know a great big God who can smooth the rough waters in this, just as He has done with the other abuses. I, once again, put my trust in Him for healing.

  If you are a victim of any abuse, including child pornography, you too can find comfort by going to the Heavenly Father and ask Him to ease the pain and heal the wounds. Nothing you say will surprise Him. He longs to hold you in His arms and bring you back to the place before the pain. When you don't feel like you can walk the walk with Him, He will carry you through it.

Papa God, I need You tonight. I need to feel whole and pure and not ugly, nasty or belittled. God You know these things happened so very long ago. You also are aware of the  short and long term effects it can bring. Father God, please heal the wounds. I praise you that you comfort me when I call on You. I thank you for giving me a loving supportive family and caring husband. I plead to You Lord, that you help other victims to heal and find peace and supply them with the Love that they too are searching for. I know with out a doubt, God, that You have love for me even when I don't feel like anyone should love me. You love me when I can't love myself. Help me to find that peace again. I need You.
In Jesus Name. Amen


    If your child is a victim of sexual, he or she may deal with effects of this abuse long after the abuse has stopped. In order to help your child, it is important for you to understand what he or she may go through as a result of the sexual abuse. Every victim is different, however, many victims do tend to display the same psychological effects after the abuse. Depending on the severity of the incident(s), you child will suffer from different types psychological  and behavior problems.
Each situation is different, but your child may have a range of residual effects from the sexual abuse that he or she experienced as a child. These effects can include, but are not limited to:
  • Anxiety
  • Fear
  • Guilt
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Withdrawal from others/activities
  • Acting out
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Fear of the opposite sex
  • Trust issues
  • Eating disorders
There can be short term or long term effects of the sexually abusive encounter(s) that your child has. Some short term effects, which usually disappear after two or three years, include:
  • Sleeping problems
  • Eating disorders
  • Regressive behavior, such as bed-wetting, wanting to sleep in his or her parent’s bed, thumb sucking, etc.
  • Withdrawal from activities or people
  • Behavioral issues
Long term effects of sexual abuse can be more devastating, as they can last well into adulthood. Some victims may never fully recover from their traumatic experiences. Some examples of long term effects of sexual abuse are:
  • High levels of anxiety
  • Self-esteem issues
  • Participation in risky behavior, such as drug use, unprotected sex, etc.
  • Alcoholism/drug abuse
  • Insomnia
  • Lack of trust
  • Depression
  • Guilt
  • Shame
Not every victim of child sexual abuse will undergo these side effects. If you are concerned about your child’s well being after learning of a sexually abusive encounter, there are some things that you can do to reduce his or her experience of these side effects. You can make sure that your child knows that you support him or her, and that you do not blame him or her for the encounter(s). At this time of need, the child needs to be comforted and made to feel safe. Doing this can greatly improve his or her psychological state. Another way to help your child is by sending him or her to a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse cases. Seeking professional help can give your child the resources that you might not be aware of. 
It is not only important but it is also the law to report child sexual abuse. Please  call 911 or contact the proper authorities in your area to stop the abuse from happening to another child.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The Fire. From a Woman Who Lost It All....Or Did She?

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I asked my niece, Belinda Spitler, if I could share her thoughts that she posted on facebook. Please welcome the tender hearted words of Belinda, who lost everything she and her two boys owned in a house fire on September 17th of this year. God bless her, a single mother, who puts her life back together one day at a time.

     So, everyone keeps asking how I’m doing. I would say that I’m about 96% ok. The other four percent, I’m just lying until I believe it myself. I’m almost in denial. It’s a surreal kinda thing, like it didn’t really happen, except, the reality is that it did. I can feel my inner firecracker trying to come back.  I still love to laugh and be silly, there’s no changing that. I was making stupid jokes while it was happening. As long as I can keep laughing, everything will be fine. I know this.
The things that set me off are less and less each day, but I still don’t know what’s going to trigger my leaky face syndrome. I threw a tantrum one day last week and just started throwing away all the cases to the movies that were saved. I hate the burnt everything and couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. I hate the smell of burnt anything. Burnt toast in the kitchen or a smoke filled room from the grill being cleaned at work had me in tears one day (or maybe more than one. I hate the ashes on my hands and the smell that is still in some of my things. Fire in movies makes me tweak out just a little.
     I’ve gone through a whole range of grieving. Everything from, sad, complete meltdown, ok, anger, denial, and even guilt. Yes, guilt. I was awake at 2:52 a.m. when a fan that we thought was a great find at the thrift store started making horrible squealing noises. Why didn’t I go check on my kids? If I had gotten up to check on them, that was a 25 minute difference from when I was awake to when I was on
the phone with 911. Logically, I know that this isn’t my fault. Mommy guilt likes to show its ugly
head at the most inopportune times. What would that extra 25 minutes have done? Every time I wake up now, you can be damn sure that I’m out of bed checking on those boys.
Belinda's Camera

    I despise shopping. Something that I could just take or leave depending on my mood, I actually despise it now. I try to go to the store, sometimes out of habit or boredom, and I just stare blankly at everything. Yup, I want things, and maybe even need things. It’s not just a filler here or there, it’s everything. Looking at furniture, I think, what’s the point? I’d rather sit on the floor. Looking for shoes, well that’s great, I have nothing to go with them. Grocery shopping, yeah I have no idea. A few meals here and there, but I need everything. The art store, um yeah. It kills. I don’t just need a canvas or tube of paint, or just something new and different. I need all of it and have no idea where to even begin. I feel like I’m ready to start painting again, just a little, just to give my hands something to do. Am I ready to hang anything on the wall? Nope. I’m more prepared to look at blank walls than I am to hang things up again. I just can’t bring myself to do it. 
      I thought, at the time, that it was better for me to see it happening than to come home and had it already happen. Wrong. So very wrong. I could do without still hearing my children screaming. This is what gets me every time.  I could do without the memory of not being able to get out the front door, and laying in the middle of the road completely helpless, and crying so much that I wanted to throw up, as I watched my house burn. The sound of the smoke detector going off AFTER we got out to the road.
Why don’t we have smoke detectors outside? What seemed like an eternity for the fire trucks to get to my house.  It would have been better for me to just come home to it instead. 
Yes, I know that it could have been worse. I'm so very thankful that no one got hurt. I'm also thankful for the outpouring of love that we've received, the thoughts, prayers, and donations from family, friends, and strangers.  My head is a little screwed up right now, but I'm still so very lucky to have so many fantastic people in my (our) life. These things will lessen over quite a bit of time, and I'm just impatient and ready for it to be done and gone. I've started
over before, more than once, so I know I'm capable. I just want it to go away faster! 

 I asked Belinda, "How has God touched you in this?" My heart smiled as she answered,
     " I know every time something like this happens, I'm being redirected to something better. It takes a little bit, but if you don't let it keep you down, you see what the purpose was a lot faster. I'll be better off than I was before. In addition to the great guy God sent me.
Curtis,Belinda, Lucas and Justin

Belinda is adored and respected by many of her friends. Katie Cox has put together a fund raiser to help assist Belinda and her boys, Justin and Lucas as they work on starting over. You can find this  site at :

Brilliant photographer house fire

"Belinda is one of my dearest friends, a woman that would give the shirt off of her back for anyone. She is a brilliant fine art photographer and artist. Most importantly she is a single mom that is raising two of the sweetest boys you could ever meet. 

This morning she lost her house in a fire. Truly devastating, but anyone that knows B knows that for her home is where her boys, her camera, and her art supplies are. She and her boys are fine, but all three of her cameras, her computer, and all of her art supplies were destroyed in the fire (along with everything else). 
Belinda is a waitress at Dennys. She's a college student, she's a mom. These things were an investment for her, they weren't toys. Replacing everything will take time, she will put her boys first. Please help me raise money to replace her equipment and relieve some of the burden from this woman." ( Katie Cox)