Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I Yam what I Yam

I sat at lunch with my friend, Annette and my husband. Excited, I waved to another friend as we connected eye to eye across her work counter. "Come talk to me back here when you get a chance" Marlea mouthed to me from a distance". I nodded my head with an "ok" and focused back to my lunch date. Scooping up spinach dip Annette invited Donnie to eat some of it. "No thank's I am not Popeye." Donnie answered. Annette came back with, "I yam what I yam." 
   "Where is it in the Bible that sounds like Popeye's 'I yam what I yam' '' ? I asked, Annette had quoted that before. I knew that I read it. But for some reason, I couldn't place my fingers on the scripture. 

It was God speaking to Moses at the burning bush.

Exodus 3:11-14 NIV

11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you."

My lunch and the company was very good. I walked Annette out to her truck to say our good bye's. She is often my "Jesus with skin on it" friend. As much as I didn't want my day to end with her, I was anxious to get back inside to speak to Marlea.

"Mary, I want you to pray about something." Marlea started.
"Pray about speaking at a girl's retreat."
    "Really? I would love to." I must have had a concerned look on my face because Marlea to come back with,
"The more you talk, the more open you get things, the easier it gets."

Marlea is right. The more I share the story of God's grace and security, the more He makes it comfortable when telling "my story".  Even more so, the more I share the more I know it's not my story but His Story.

"Who am I that I should go?"( vs 11)
God answered me as I read, " “I will be with you."(vs. 12)
"Then what shall I tell them?” (vs. 13) I am not sure of what to say. I have many thing to share. But where do I start? How do I present this? I have no training. I have never done this before. I don't know the words use. If you want me to speak, then what shall I tell them?
"This is what you are to say....: ‘I am has sent me to you."(vs. 14)
Ok. Lord, You sent me. I can  tell them that part. But can you help me say the rest too?

I am both anxious and excited about being asked to share at this retreat. It is what I have been praying about. God has already called me to do this. He has used Marlea to confirm it. He has even supplied the Word to reassure me that He is the I AM who will  speak through me.

I was given a quote to go by "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the
called." - Nan Jones

With a story behind me of  how God rescued me and is healing me from various abuses, I look forward to sharing of His love and His compassion though it all. Please pray with me as I step out to go, tell and say I AM has sent me.

This song is my cry out to God tonight. Here I am. If my story is part of His plan... I plan to share it .


Tuesday, March 19, 2013



The sun beat down through the window and heated the skin of my arm which propped my limp body. I was awakened, by the heat, just to remember that I was in the hands of the accuser. The car was parked in front of a brick building where wood was nailed to the window frames to keep trespassers out of the abandoned building. Exiting from the door was the man that drove me there. He carried over his arm his plaid wool jacket and carried a manilla envelope. He opened the car door and threw his items in the back seat next to me. I shut my eyes pretending to be asleep. He caught me awake stealing a glance at him. He glared at me through his review mirror with stinging eyes. We drove just a few miles when he pulled over and motioned for me to get in the front with him. Frightened, I did as directed. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him and shoved my head to his lap. “Get Down!” as a car passed by. I had no idea where we were that day. Somewhere between Get me out of here and hell. The violator reached to the back seat and picked up the envelope. He pulled out the pamphlets and held them out to me. “Listen to what I say or this is where you will be next.” My hands trembled as I skimmed through the New York City prostitute advertisements. This was just prior to the trip that my mother allowed me to go to with the 51 year old demon controlled man. At thirteen years old, I would be going to the big city with a man who was almost a stranger, by permission of my "disturbed" mother.
I can be riding in a car and wake from daydreams. Nightmares. Memories of moments like those. I often would slip into anxiety filled with fright, from placing myself right back into that old brown galaxy that would escort me to places of disgust. Heat not only from the sun has captured me and wakened my drifting envisioning mind, but moments that bring embarrassment would ring the alarm of my inner child.

What Satan had given me in nightmares, God has used as a tool in healing. I waken less and less with fear of  not knowing where to run, where to hide, or where to escape the pain. I am now waking in Him and He in me. It is a process. Active. Day by day... works through prayer. God lets me remember, and He also lets me know I am safe. I am no longer that scared child being demanded by Satan to “Get Down!”. I find strength and am encouraged by His Word.”Stand”.

1 Corinthians 16:13 …..stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

I am awake with knowledge and protection of my Heavenly Father. I am not where I used to be. But through the Father I am now, somewhere between Get me out of here and Heaven. The road less traveled. The road on which I am now awake in Him.

Heavenly Father, I pray for healing, grace and deep comfort for those who have been hurt through any form of abuse. Restore and rebuild what sometimes seems unrepairable. Give us courage, Lord, to take the right road that leads to You.  Thank You for reminding us that although life may be hard, You remain Good. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Growing Together Through Good Times

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

My brother is right. (Kinda normal for him.) We did have some really good times growing up. Think on those things. From three kids to six our family grew practically overnight. And oh the fun we had. God gave us all our own sense of humor and there were actually times when laughter was more than just kicked in by the defense mode.

Games, games, games. We learned through playing. Cards covered the table when Scrabble didn't. Scrabble taught us to spell, Monopoly taught us math, along with Yahtzee. And it all taught us to depend on each other. Chess strengthened our strategy skills. Our minds were always being challenged. With two decks of cards in our hands, and lips stained with koolaid, we told many stories over Canasta. We loved to play. We lived to play.

Summer brought trips to pools, movies theaters, bowling and beaches. Baseball uniforms, softball and walking the dog. Chicken being cooked on the grill, salad at the picnic table and frisbees. Family reunions, sinking boats in Uncle Bill's pond, and watermelon. We loved summer. “Do your chores. Stay outside” We came back inside long enough for a quick peanut butter and jelly lunch or boloney and cheese with mustard sandwhich then back out until mom called us in for supper or when the street lights came on. Which ever came first.

Grandparents. We loved when grandparents came in. Cookies, baked beans of butter beans and hot dogs. Fruit filled jello. Pennies in old tin cookie cans and dancing. Grandpa loved singing about roosters down on the farm.. Listening to grandma say ,”Stop that Herman!” when ever he got even a tad bit frisky..to steal a peck of a kiss .We missed out on daddy's parents. We were young when Jesus took them home. But I enjoy what I do remember. I loved my granny. She has such a tender heart. Washed us in her metal wash tub and let us listen to the radio at the sink... back in the day of “Jeremiah was a Bull Frog” and "When You Need a Friend". Grandpa could peel an apple without ever stopping until the entire apple was peeled with one long peel. WOW. We are so fascinated by the smallest of things.

Life was sweet during those times. Whenever I get hung up on the challenges we faced, I am going to pray that God shows me the good times. Times when we all sang together, Amazing Grace. He did supply grace. He let us share smiles. (Thank you my brother, Buddy, my friend David and my friend Valerie, for helping  me to think on those things.)
  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I think today I will pray that “When life gives me lemons, I can make lemonade”.
Thank You Papa God, for giving me laughter and praises. I needed a softened heart. You are AWEsome in giving me what I need, always at the right time.

Are you having a hard time with the visions of hurtful times ? Try giving them to God and ask Him to show you the silver lining in the clouds of gray. These treasures are worth the search.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Confused But Rescued

I left the bedroom, my hiding place to talk on my phone, and went aggrivated to the basement. I hated being invaded. My husband came in wanting to lay on his king sized bed ..so I, the queen left. I had nothing to hide but there are just some things you want to say in private. My conversation was about to turn into a personal witness conversation. I desired to be alone with the lady on the other end of the phone and God Himself..no one else.
    I kept the light off, moved the stuffed animlas out of the folding canvas chair that was placed in the basement bedroom, in case of a bad storm, and propped my feet up on the foot stool placed akwardly in front of me. I slouched down resting my head on the back of the chair.
  "Hey, did you hear about the blog I have been working on?"
 The reply was a bit abrupt,"You know I don't do facebook. I am on the computer all day. The last thing I want is to be on the computer or on the phone.".
     "I didn't ask you to get on face book. I just wanted to know if you heard about the blogs."
 The fueding, over what I meant, went back in forth more than I anticipated. I had to keep from raising my voice into the phone to get a word in with the woman. When she, and I , finally calmed down I managed to get the question in again, "I just wanted to know if you were told what I was writing about."
"What is it Mary?"
     "I'm writing a series of blog posts about childhood sexual abuse."
     "What? What are you saying?"

I know I have had this conversation more than once with her about my abuse. However, I am sure I didn't tell her details. I knew of hers. She had some devestation sexual abuse situations in her family as well. I was ready to reach out to her.
     "I want to share something else I am excited about." I continued." In the fall I am hoping to go to a Christian conference where I can learn to share this in a ministry.
  My world about came crashing in around me as I held my breath until she was done yelling.
    "Don't give me that religious crap. You know yourself that there is no God that would allow these things to happen. And you know as well as I do that there was no Jesus to save us from this. I don't want to hear about your religious garbage. Go ahead and get real with your self. Quit lying and tell your self the truth."
     With my mouth hung open , I was speechless. I had no words. I was not prepared for defense. I then learned.. I have so much more to learn. Was I jumping ahead of what God had in His plans for me in sharing?
  The conversation ended with a cop out phrase, "I guess we will just have to agree to disagree."

Satan was attacking. He saw my weak areas and he threw the daggers. One of them went straight to my heart, the other to my head. I began to have doubts. After all, what she said made sense, didn't it?
My wonderful friend, Annette, spoke words which rose to the occasion. "You can't just act on feelings but on the truth of God's word. " If it wasn't for faith in Him, I would be just as sad and disturbed as the woman who has no hope in this conversation. Instead, I do have hope.God didn't just sit back and watch the evil man who has self will and chose to do wicked things. Because He loved me He brought me through it.

2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.
Psalm 138:7 New International Version
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with Your right hand you save me.

So, I am back to ... Save me from the evil one? Did God do that? Was this woman right? Is there no God who saves from these wicked deeds?  God wasn't speaking of the physical. He is speaking of the spiritual.

Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

 When the world, satan, attacks.. if we turn to our Father, He will keep us secure in the "forever". People go through trials and tribulations, hurts and distruction. It will either make us or break us. I choose to let God be in control. I trust in His plans and purpose in my life. He allows and uses circumstances in my life to bring me closer to the Christ -likeness that He wants us to desire to be. Healing, trusting in God, brings us closer to Him. The  Word
says to be humble. It is only in being humble that we realize just how much we need the Savior. 

In all situations, when I needed my Savior, He rescued me.  When the world leaves you battered and torn, where do you turn to recover and heal? Praying that all will know that God was there and He is there to help you in the mending.