Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dear " Little Me" A letter to the hurt child inside.

I was angry at this victim of childhood sexual abuse. I remained frustrated at her for not stopping things from happening to her. I despised her for causing the other children's abuse.
I held her responsible for not making the adults hear what she was trying to tell them. Because of her, other children were destroyed sexually.  Come on !!! This child knew, in time, that things were wrong. Very wrong. How dare her sit and know of the man who touched other children. I know she went to the right authorities, "in time", but what about the other times? What about when her little friend, with disabilities,  who ended up in the hands of the evil one? Wasn't she to blame because, she, herself was not strong enough to yell out any louder?
How dare that child have the gut feelings about the death of another child because of  what she thought a pedophile did. Couldn't she have prevented such acts? What is wrong with this so innocent looking child? This child...this...little ...child.....
“Dear little Me,"

I am so sorry.

I want you to know that when you were hurt- it wasn’t your fault. When men took advantage of you – it wasn’t your fault.  When other children you know were hurt, abused, raped  or mangled- you were not to blame. It was not your fault.  (Do you hear me?) You don’t have to go through the rest of your life carrying the burden of guilt that was not yours to carry. Throw the shame far from you and walk away. Run.

The things were said about you left you believing you were worthless and unlovable. They were all lies.  You cried out but were muted. You didn't get listened to but your words spoke for so many. Do not think your voice couldn't be heard. Continue to speak up as you grow. I will  help you to speak on behalf of the others who have been hurt. I owe that much to you.... to us.

Jeremiah 1:6-7 NIV

6 .......“I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

You are precious. Look inside of you. The treasure that is ‘you’ is waiting to be cared.  You, little one, battled with determination. I admire the fighter in you. You are a survivor. I'm sorry, "little me", for expecting you to act as an adult.  I held you accountable for the lives of many. You were not an adult.

Now I am  the adult. You can come to me and I will protect and help heal the broken heart I know you have had all these many years. I kept you a prisoner of depression. Could you ever forgive me for all the suffering I put you through?  I shamed you leaving you with no self esteem. Forgive me for the pain I put you through. I am so sorry for the tears that streaked your innocent face. You never deserved to hide in life's closet with the evil demons I compared you with. I wish I could take back those years.  Hurtful words that I spoke to you were uncalled for and unfair. I should never ever have treated you in such a way. You were just a child.
I am here for you now and will remain a safe harbor. It isn't too late for you to run and skip. You are safe. I give you permission to laugh and play and find the childhood you missed out on. Take me with you. Let's dance in the rain. Draw hearts in the sand with our names in it. Giggle. Loudly. Sing Jesus Loves me... out loud. Live with a purpose. Be free.

You are loved,

Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

Dear Lord, help us to heal. Help the children in each of us to heal.Heavenly Father, I ask you to help us speak for those who cannot. Thank you for never leaving us. In Jesus Name.

If you or someone you know is being abused in any form, I recommend prayer in addition to getting help. Reach out to someone safe who will assist you in protecting yourself. If you notice someone else who is being abused, seek guidance on how to help that person reach the proper authorities and counselors.

Please listen closely to the song I have added to this blog. Pray as you hear the call to BE A VOICE.



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Unmasking the Pedophile

Parents often try and figure out what a pedophile looks like, what they think like, what they sound like, and more. But the truth of the matter is that they don’t look any different from anyone else.

Pedophile is a human being. A human being as everyone else. He could be shameless, self centered, nice, dedicated, stupid, wise, smart, boring , mentally sick or mentally healthy. He can love, hate, sacrifice himself, cry, and laugh. He can abuse children with no remorse, or be ready to sacrifice his life for them. Or anything between. Pedophile is just a human being.

A pedophile is an adult who are sexually attracted to children. Unfortunately they are very good at keeping this a secret and very good at making the child trust them. Most likely you would not suspect this person to be a predator. They are hard to detect, but with the right knowledge, you may learn to recognize one.

The following is a list of information about a pedophile:

Both men and women can be guilty. Although the majority are male, both male and female can be guilty of sexual assult.

About 25% of offenders are under the age of 18, where approximately 75% are adults.

Most children are sexually assulted by a person the child knows.

Approx . 30% child of sexual abusers are relatives

Approx. 60% are acqauintances

Approx. 10% are strangers

A pedophile looks for a child that need attention, who need love, who need to feel wanted and appear that they do not get that at home.

Pedophiles look for opportunity. They will show up to activities such as sport practices, school dances, sleep overs (slumber parties), churches, schools. They place themselves in an area of trust and easy access.

The pedophile "courts" his victim by buying gifts and/ or takes them places to make their target feel special.

Pedophiles become good listeners. They learn the weakness and strength so they know how to build self esteem of the victim and play with thier emotions.

They are more interested in children than adults.

Affectionate towards children

Pedophiles may have activities with children that parents are not invited to or involved in.

Pedophiles become more interested in the child than in the spouse or to his girlfriends child.

Identifies better with children rather than people of his own age.

One factor that works against the pedophile is that eventually the children will grow up and recall the events that occurred. Often pedophiles are not brought to justice until such time occurs and victims are angered by being victimized and want to protect other children from the same consequences.

While many persons guilty of child sexual abuse are pedophiles, not all persons who suffer from pedophilia have acted on their sexual urges toward children. Put another way, not all persons who experience the urges of pedophilia participate in pedophilic behavior.

As we become  more educated, we also grow in wisdom and hope knowing that not all thoughts need to be taken to the step of action.

"Let the wicked forsake his way. And the unrighteous man his thoughts;And let him return to the LORD,And He will have compassion on him,And to our God,For He will abundantly pardon." Isaiah 55:7 NASB

Dear Lord, Please help us to teach and reach to all who need to be aware that Satan doesn't just come as a thief in the night. Lord, educate to protect before we have to learn to heal. In Jesus Name, Amen.

 On a personal note.....
As I studied and typed, copied, pasted and wrote ...feelings came to surface that surprised me. I could have grown more angry at the parent who didn't stop these abuses from happening. Especially knowing that they knew and didn't put a stop to the ugliness and theft of innocence. But, with much prayer and counseling, I learned and chose to forgive.
Forgiving wasn't easy. It was probably one of the most difficult tasks I have had to accomplish.

Tonight, I forgive even deeper. I choose to forgive the violator. Please pray with me tonight as I lift the pedophile to the Lord.
God, I don't get it. I don't understand why children have to be hurt. You know how my heart is broken. You know, Papa God, that I get so angry inside that I want to take matters in my own hands and destroy the humans who think their desires and actions are justified when they do these horrific acts of sexual abuses to your children. Oh God, what can I do to get these feeling of hate out of my soul? My stomach hurts with memories. I don't want any child to cry themselves to sleep. It sickens me to picture times of my youth ..knowing babies and children are being touched, raped, and broken in the same way I was.. Is there anyway to erase the nightmares?
 I have forgiven the adults in my life...called parents. I have even forgiven myself..even though I wasn't to blame. But tonight. Lord, I need more. And I chose what you have instructed my heart to do. My mind might not agree, but in time, Lord, it will. I chose Lord to forgive the pedophiles.
Heavenly Father, I forgive the ones who stripped me of my dignity. I release them from my life. I don't need to hold onto their sin because of the bondage of my unforegiveness. It has only hurt me. It doesn't damage them for me to hate. It has only killed my spirit. I give them to You,
(You know God, It sickens me to think of the act of these people. Forgiving them and lifting them up has got to be one of the hardest things I can do. But I do it all in your strength. I have faith that I can do all this through you.) Forgive them Father, even when they do know what it is they do.
I lift the pedophiles and the abusers Lord to you. Help us to teach, reach, and prevent so that this prayer doesn't have to happen again.
In Jesus Name I pray,
Hurtfully Yours,


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I Didn't Mean to Lie

    I didn't really mean to lie to my husband, not exactly.Well maybe I did, but I sure found ways to justify it. Why was I afraid to be honest with him? In trying to find the right answer to that question, I discovered something. I didn't trust. But was it him? Could I not trust the man I had been with for thirty something years? I could tell a stranger about the abuses I faced as a child. Why not tell him? I hid this from him from the start of our dating. So why was the denying to continue for more than 30 years. Wasn't he supposed to be my very best friend? Isn't that who you are supposed to be married to? What was so special about this situation that I could not confide to him with such a secret?
I prayed about telling Donnie. I would shake that thought right out of my thick head "NO!". It wasn't that I had a dirty little secret and had fun with it. A game? Will he hurt me? No. Yet I know Satan did his best to convince me differently. Then why couldn't I just spill my guts and let it flow? Why not just tell him? Why couldn't I trust him? Why Why WHY ????

God answered me. No where in the Bible does it say we are supposed to trust our spouse. Really? Yes. Really. God only says,"TRUST ME". I had to put 100 % trust in God. He would take care of the rest.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

So I prayed. And prayed. And then when I thought I couldn't pray anymore, I had others do it for me.

One morning, my heart was jumping out of my chest. It was what I called,"An alter call thumping". I knew, before my feet hit the floor that morning, I was to tell my husband the "secret". The timing couldn't be more perfect.

My husband and I were doing our normal routine of watching television together before we started our day. The preacher was just about through with his message. I would  normally get up when he started selling his books to help support his ministry. Only this time I couldn't budge. I knew what was about to happen. I whispered to my husband that I wasn't ready to get up yet. I closed my eyes, kept my head on his pillowing shoulder and prayed one more prayer before anything would come out of  my mouth. I heard the preacher say the words that helped ease my way into the conversation. Preacher Jimmy said that there were people who needed prayer because they were blocking thier marraige healing because a spouse could not share of childhood sexual abuse. Oh my goodness did he just say that? (Thank You Papa God) I swallowed the lump in my throat and put my life in the hands of God. "We need to pray. I was very sexually abused as a child.".

I was prepared for all hell to break loose.  Instead, Heaven swept a warm touch on us when my husband replied, "I thought so all this time.". I can not tell you what peace came over me. Donnie held me close. When my husband's arms and gentle hands held me, God held my life in the palm of His hands and kept me safe.

I can't express the joy that I have felt in the last two months since that morning. Because of trusting in Him, not in man, I am set free. My marraige is healing more and more day by day.  I didn't know the day would actually come that I could say I am in love with my best friend. I now am. Many years I have pushed away what God has meant to be good. I am more than ready to live this new life with my husband. One that allows God to provide all that is good...through tusting in Him.

We must consciously bring the presence of the Lord into our days and all our trials, reaching out to Him and putting trust in His plans for us.

Are you blocking God from giving His abundance of Joy in your life? What can you do to be set free? Trust in Him. there is none more worthy.

1 Peter 5:7
(New Living Translation )
Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.