Thursday, September 26, 2013

Lead to the Moments

 Overcoming abuse is hard enough. But when a parent or parents take the value from a child with words such as "You know you wanted it." " It's your fault." and even "Lie about it, He is our friend" (Speaking from my own childhood here), it echoes way into adulthood. These words can not be erased. It embeds the child. It is uneraseable, irreversible and seems permanently destructive. I still don't get it. I still do not understand how a parent can do that to a child. I am reminded that hurting people hurt people. I hear this often. It does not excuse such terrible acts but it is a genuine excuse.

 Somewhere along the parent lives what they learn to protect themselves. Whether it is for reputation or fear, it happens. Reactions to the acts of sexual abuse aren't something most parents are prepared to face. I encourage everyone to be voice before it has to be spoken as a child who yells out in his sleep or whisper with tears.

Recently I have had to defend myself as to why I am speaking up. Why do I present the ministry with such horrific examples and how I should  just "Let it go." I had to study myself and my use of the abuse examples. I am not lead away from these moments and situations but are lead to them.

Things don't just go away for me. They are not current but they have effected my everyday life decisions. I am actually glad that I went through these things. No, not glad that there were sexual abuses, but satisfied in knowing that through years of trials, years of depression, years and years of self doubt actually it brought me closer to God.

I could not survive through the torment that Satan put me through without the strength of God.  Knowing or unknowing, I would not have gained what I have, without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I have learned that there is JOY again when I returned to Him.

Last night I heard my pastor speak about people lose heart because of not living in faith.( Been there, done that, but God wrote the book), Pastor spoke of people who lose heart and will lose the fullness of God. "A person who loses faith takes his eyes off God and gets disheartened. They don't understand God's love and they forget that God loves them."

I so greatly understand what it feels like to wonder if God had stopped loving me through all the abuses. I couldn't feel love. No matter how many times God shared His examples of "TLC", I couldn't see nor feel it. I didn't recognize it as His tenderness, His caring and certainly not His LOVE.

We, as "advocates", need to share with others what that Love is. I am not ashamed to tell my story because I have made it HIS story. My history isn't being placed on my billboard to shout out what I did but what HE DID.  When other's can't find or feel God's Love maybe it is because they don't quite know what it is. We   should make it  our responsibility to share God's love and to give hope. Let us all be "hope coaches" for our Heavenly Father.

Abba Father does not come to you with words of destruction. He speaks so clearly of the love He has for you. Yes, for you and for me!

"He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.

What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

 God's word and His love is uneraseable, irreversible and becomes permanently constructive ...but only if it is shared and learned when carefully placed into the lives of ourselves and others.

 Abused or just enveloped with worldly misfortunes and circumstance, we face trials. We need to know that through the suffering there is strength through the Holy Spirit and the love of God.

 I invite you to read Ephesians 3: 13- 19, as a prayer for you.

Ephesians 3:13-19

New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,[a] 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
 When the world speaks to you with defeat,
take a moment to listen
to the Voice of Truth.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Happy Birthday to a New Kind of Love

We sang in the choir, 10,000 Reasons. Shivers of memory welled up in my eyes as I recalled the heavenly birthday of my mother in law.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Soon my soul will sing your praise un-ending
10,000 years and there forever more

Sunday was Dolores' heavenly anniversary. Three years ago God took His precious child, my best friend, home. I sure miss her. I had the best mother in law anyone could ask for. God knew I needed someone like her in my life. He provided so graciously.

Today is my mother's 73rd birthday. Only she passed away when she was only 46. At 22 years old, I lost my mother to a hard battle of cancer.  Unfortunately I didn't have a friendship with her. We loved each others as much as we could.  And only that much. I wish I had had more opportunity to build a forgiving relationship with her. I long to have been her friend. 

But ya know what? As strange as it may sound, I have that. I am learning to forgive and love the woman who gave birth to me. Learning more and more about how hurting people hurt people, has freed her of responsibility that I placed on her. Forgiveness has broken shackles that I placed around her. It also released me. I wish for my mother an eternity of forgiveness and happiness. I pray that God allows her to feel joy and peace in that.

One day I will come face to face with both of these ladies. I want to wrap my arms around my mother first and get a hug like we have never felt.  I want my mother to look into my eyes and let her see what love from me actually looks and feels like. Second, I will run to Dolores and thank her for all the love she taught and shared with me.  Then..the  two... no...three of us can walk off to the heavenly sunset as mother and daughter and friends. Finally being the family God had intended for us  to be in the first place.

I love my mother(s). It feels good to know it.

Thank You Heavenly Father for showing me the agape love I need to share with others. You give so freely. May I give it back in return.

Are you holding someone captive in your unforgiveness? Do you want a relationship to heal like you could never imagine? I pray you take it to our Heavenly Father and let Him reveal to you the areas that need mending. God bless you as you seek and find Him for the answers.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

But God Had other Plans

As an attendee of a wonderful Christian Communicators Conference, I tried my best to deliver a message in just a few minutes. I tried and tried to do this my way. Once again God showed me that I had to do it His way or face the chaos that comes with it. Peace came just as the camera rolled. ( Or was it when it ended? ) I sighed relief and thankfulness as I dropped to my knees before Him just as I spoke these words of saving His Grace.

 But God Had Other Plans
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we often grow up blaming ourselves for the abuse that happened. As children, we are bought up to know that "adults know best" - and so when someone tells you often enough that it's your fault, eventually you believe it. I was to blame.

I believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about was simply because that’s what I deserved. I deserved it because of who I was as a person. I was bad. It wasn't so much what I did that made me "bad" - but more just something that I was....something that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I tried to be. Nothing I did to be "better" made anything better or made people treat me better - and so, understandably, I figured that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I was.

As I grew into an adult, I kept believing that the abuse was my fault. I did something to deserve it

I became so many of the things I knew I didn't want to be when I grew up. I struggled with alcohol and addiction to prescription medications. I toyed in shallow relationships. Satan had me believing his lies. I was bad .

John 10: 10 says The thief came to steal, kill and destroy.

And the life I had developed looked like I gave him permission to do exactly that. I was plagued with thoughts of suicide. With a bottle of 90 pills in my hand I was ready to end my life because I was bad.

I hit rock bottom. Depression bombarded me and shacked up in my spirit. I was ready to end it all.


I ended up on my knees at the floor of a church healing room where God perfectly placed two wonderful prayer warriors to pray over me. They prayed His word.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plan I have for you , Declares the Lord, Plans of peace and not of troubles,

plans to prosper and not to harm me.

I have not lost the sight of my plan for you. It is for your benefit and for your good.

You do have a destiny of hope and a future.

The ladies placed sweet oil on my forehead and it slowly trinkled down the sides of my face a mingled with my tears. The scent reminded me of my mother's perfume. The mother I longed to have in my life. I placed my head in my hands and finally gave all those doubts and lies to God. I climbed up in Papa God's lap I found hope in HIS truth.

When the doubts and fears sneak into or try to bombard my mind I am reminded that God has a plan for me: one that doesn't harm but brings me the riches of His love.

And today, my prayer for you is to believe in the truth of His word, and that you know, without any doubt that you have a hope and a future in Him. He loves YOU.