I woke up covered in sweat. My body trembled as I held my breath. I threw the blankets from across me because of the heat that engulfed my body and out of exposure grabbed the end of the blanket and brought it quickly up to my chin securing me again. The nightmare consumed me. I couldn't get to my girls through the locked door. I banged and banged on his bedroom door but that violator, that one who stripped me from my innocence, had my own children in there. "GET THEM OUT ! GET THEM OUT!" with blood dripping from my hands I hit the locked door, "No! No ! NO !!!" I screamed as I woke up from such a horrific helpless nightmare. I looked at my hands, nothing. No brokenness. No blood.. It was only a dream. A horrible, terrible, heart retching nightmare. My children weren't being devoured as I had been. They were safe.
I remember that night, feeling completely helpless. Oh how I want to erase those thoughts from
coming to my head. I want to erase those haunting memories of abuses from my childhood.
I have read stories and heard confessions from women who said they aren't sure if they were molested or violated, but remember dreams of things happening to their fragile little bodies. Others have vague memories and yet others wonder if the things that happened to them counted as abuses.
Information that may help you decide if you were sexually abused as a child:
Signs of knowing if a person was a victim of child sexual abuse.
When you were a young child or teenager, were you:
* Fondled, kissed, or held for an adults sexual gratification?
* Forced to perform oral sex on an adult or sibling?
*Raped or otherwise penetrated?
*Made to watch sexual acts?
*Fondled or hurt genitally?
*Shown sexual movies or other pornography?
* Made to pose for seductive or sexual photographs?
*Involved in child prostitution or pornography?
*Forced to take a part in ritualized abuse in which you were physically, psychologically or sexually tortured
Wikipedia describes child sexual abuse as : Child sexual abuse or child molestation is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure (of the genitals, female nipples, etc.) to a child with intent to gratify their own sexual desires, or to intimidate or groom the child, physical sexual contact with a child, or using a child to produce child pornography.
One woman claimed that it wasn't abuse because it was just incest, an older brother. Another said, it
wasn't abuse because my uncle only did it once. I listened to a young woman tell how it felt good to be in a movie, and it couldn't be considered abuse if it felt good. Just because your body reacts to stimulation, like all bodies should, it does not make the it less of a crime to be in that situation.
Remember that even if a man did not force "himself" into an opening of your body inappropriate behaviour and touching is still abuse. It may not leave physical pain it can still constitutes abuse that leaves invisible scars.
One invisible scar is the nightmares they leave behind, which could come in the form of day dreams, flash backs or nightmares.
Your nightmares may be your mind's way of dealing with a trauma that your conscious mind may have repressed.
One woman explained, "I think the nightmares were a sign that I was actually starting to feel safe enough to allow my mind to explore those issues. Like it was my body's way of taking out the trash." Acknowledging your current safety may be one key to moving away from the fear of the nightmares.
I dream ( for lack of better words) of the day that the trash of my memories are able to be discarded to never be brought up again. Only, I know it doesn't work that way. I do remember. I get emotional sometimes, feeling somber. More and more, though, I feel the relief of overcoming those frightening moments. Honestly, I don't have that reoccurring torturous nightmare anymore. Bringing the truth out in the open released me from oppression. Satan isn't able to hold me with force being trapped in the negative mindset of it all.
Having nightmares brought me to even more truth, revealing what has happened in my life that I deeply hid. Having fear come to surface made me depend on God for security. It caused me to come face to face with unwanted those fears, with a need of God to keep me safe. I learned to place trust in Him.
"The emotions we don’t want to face are inside of us, whether we deny it or not. They don’t scare God. The only problem is that they often scare us. He wants you to have the courage to get really honest with yourself and with Him and face your fears and your past disappointments, frustration, anger, inner pain, and so on. He is not shocked. He knows it already and He still loves and accepts you. Rather than force Himself on you against your will, He honors you by restraining His longing to deliver you and tenderly waiting for you to trust Him enough to invite him into the dark corners of your life and let Him touch that ever so tender part of you with His healing hands." (Grantley Morris, How to cope with Nightmares and unwanted Dreams)
If you have had dreams, nightmares, flashbacks or visions of questioning abuses, please pay attention to the signals your "gut " is giving you. Brushing them off and sweeping them under the rug doesn't make truth disappear. It may only bring festering to the deep hidden pain. Healing begins when you are honest with yourself and place trust where it needs to be.
Ask the Lord to share with you those things which He feels need to come forward for your healing. At the same time, trust that He will take all the unnecessary things and nail them to the cross. Let Him help you through the hurting.
Lord Jesus, You are God alone of my life. Through the days of my life I have come to lean on you during good times and bad. Lord Jesus, I pray You would continue to bring healing and reconciliation in my life from the sexual abuse which took place. I pray that You would bring healing in my life from the past intense memories . Lord, I thank You for giving me the strength and freedom to no longer be held captive, but because of Your great love for Me that I am be able to have healing in this area of my life. Lord, bring support and encouragement into my life as I walk in this new season. Thank you for bringing me into a place of intimacy and dependence on You. I pray that men, women, and children, who have been abused, begin to heal from the traumatic abuses that they have endured, relying on you for revelation and knowledge. Remove the pain of nightmares and replace them with comforting victory. Help us God. ( I need You still ) In Jesus Name, Amen