UNFORGOTTEN MEMORIES / written 1997

 

 

 

 

 

UNFORGOTTEN MEMORIES

Unforgotten memories

were stored inside an old cardboard box.
Flipping through old snapshots

...stories were unlocked.
Did you know you made me smile ?

You can see the tears in my eyes.
What's that look I see in you?

You laughed until you cried.
I needed your arm around me.

Did you like that pat on your back?
You made me feel like an angel.

It's sweet when you do things like that.
That old box was tucked away,

dusty, hidden under my bed.
But the memories were dancing

reliving each day in my head.
My heart was pounding with each picture.

Each photograph came to life.

Thoughts of us together then

were as if there were no pause in time.

Your smile warmed my heart today

in pictures of yesterdays thoughts.

Unforgotten memories

are priceless times that could
never be bought.

Now each time I pull out my camera

and add new pictures to my box

I'll smile and thank God in Heaven for memories becoming unlocked.

I Hate the Question. But We Need to Know...

I am going to be honest with you. I don't want to talk about the sexual abuse situations. Don't ask me details. I can tell you that it happened, when it happend, where it happened and who did it. But if you dig any deeper I will probably shut down, shut you off and go into defense mode. I don't want to tell you the dirty little secrets that hide under my bed. I'm the little girl who fears that they will sneak back from under there and attack me again.

My close friend asked me a question just before we went into a restaurant for breakfast. I stumbled and choked up over her words. As I heard the question I tripped right into the memory and wanted to close my ears and scream SHUT UP.  The question wasn't directed about me but about a situation she was trying to solve for herself. That didn't matter. I became the child in my memory and became ashamed of myself. The inquiry invited depression. "Do you think the victim (of  child sexual abuse) "trolls up" victims for the pedophile?"
 
Oh my! I zoned out quickly, placed myself back to those days and as I came back to the present, I shook knowing I may have indeed did just that. Did I gather more children for the attacker? Did I do this knowing that the man would probably hurt them? Did I care about thier safety? What kind of sick human being would do that?  I must have been evil. Sick. Heartless.

No, I was a child who defended and protected myself the only way I knew how. My friend watched me become the insecure little person again. Precious reassurance came with her words. Her intentions were never to take me back to that negative time. I knew that. But, I was still there even hours after we departed for the day.

Satan used that moment in my car to bring me back to the "days without rainbows". 
John 10:10  NIV  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; .....

The devil knows the work that survivors of abuse have to go through to overcome the pain. He knows the short and long term effects of his wicked ways. Satan walks on this earth to kill and destroy. And he was doing that to me. He was stealing my joy of recovery.

 
BUT...There is another part of John 10:10.... I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

With request to God, I climbed out of the pit I fell into and Satan wasn't allowed to keep what he stole. "I went to the enemies camp and I took back what he stole from me."  God wants us to have a full life through Him. He waits for us as He holds the wounded. Waiting to caress and mend the broken in body and mind.

Take a prayerful pause to  meditate, listen and view this song. Both words sung and written with the video can help in the journey with the awesome direction of...  "This is Where the Healing Begins"



There are many short and long term effects of abuse. I am researching for myself, the things which to pray to God about, of hurts that need healing and curses that need broken. If you have the time please read the following information about what effects childhood abuse can take place after the incidence occurs . Pray for God to show you how to heal, how to help and how to answer the questions of your mind and others.

Sexual abuse effects on children and youth can show itself though both emotional, physical and ways. These effects can be just as devastating whether it happened only once or if there were repeated abuses. Each case is different. You cannot compare one occurance to another. Sexual abuse effects on the child or youth are connected to the child/youth's life before, during and after the sexual contact.  Sexual abuse effects continue long after the abuse stops.

Emotional and Physical , Sexual abused and molested children suffer many symptoms, including:

Lack of self-esteem and finding value is them selves (self worth)

issues with trust                                                               

abnormal growth and development

problems with intimacy                                                  

 control over his/her body

normal loving and nurturing                                

not able to find a sense of feeling safe and secure

learning problems                                                            

clinging

psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches and headaches

a young child knows more than they should about sexual activity; child may exhibit seductive behavior

aggression and bullying behaviors                            

 sudden changes in eating and/or sleeping habits

depression and anxiety

refusal to change clothes in front of others

isolation

obsessively good behavior

obsessed with cleanliness

relationship problems

anti-social behavior

unwillingness to participate in social activities

running away

truancy / long absence from school

long absence from participation in extracurricular activities

dissociation--a child's existence is dependent on his/her ability to separate from the pain, which, in the most repulsive cases, may result in multiple personalities

risky behaviors such as stealing and other delinquencies

animal cruelty

alcohol and drug abuse

dysfunctional relationships

avoiding confrontation

self-harm, including cutting and burning

paranoid behavior

promiscuous behavior

compulsive and aggressive sexual behavior

self-destructive sexual behavior and prostitution

in adulthood, sexual dysfunction--avoidance of or phobic reactions to sexual intimacy

becomes the abuser

attempted and completed suicide


"Remember how Jesus often asked hurting people what they wanted from Him. He knew they were hurting – like He knows you are hurting – but only an abuser would force himself on others against their will. The good and gracious Lord is the exact opposite. He longs to heal but moved by the deep respect He has for you, He waits until he is invited. The God of Truth needs you to acknowledge the truth of your pain and to trust him to touch that ever so tender part of you with his healing hands. We are usually afraid to acknowledge the extent of our hurt because it seems bottomless. Some of us think if we start crying, we will never stop. Others of us fear that our rage will be uncontrollable if we admit to ourselves the guilt of others. Some us of mistakenly suppose that God will be angry with us. But when at last we muster the courage to face the reality of our suffering and invite the tender God of Truth into that hidden part of us, we find that any pain that results is fleeting and the peace is endless. It is then that we regret all the years wasted avoiding healing."

 

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I

Days without Rainbows

I adore the sweet days that God has provided. But lately, it's been a rainy season. Cloudy, cold and dreary. Writing of recovery and healing, for both myself and others, did put a smile on my heart. But today it felt like only a shadow, a glimpse of a memory of what that joy felt like. When I looked I saw the storm behind me, it brought blurry tears which ran down my cheek. Pain often returns trying to keep me captive. Rainbows seemed too far ahead to see and impossible to find while I looked at what I left behind. It haunted me.

Depression and disappointments. Blame and Shame. Self rejection. The storm can splash huge waves of negativity right into your soul.

I searched the internet to find a song, a message, that would help me find the praising escape. God, please, I feel so...trapped today. God heard and on the screen was today's “theme song” for me. STAND IN THE RAIN. It is exactly what I was doing. Standing. Getting soaked up in feeling sorry for myself. Letting Satan's lies over rule the promises of my loving Father.

I can't let Satan be my puppeteer. Letting him take control would be telling God that His promises were nothing to me. It would be the same as making Satan my god. Was I willing to call my Heavenly Father a liar? Was standing in the rain worth the pain? I need a rainbow God. I give control back to you. Help me to face forward so that I can see the rainbow. I know Your promises are there.

 

 

2 Peter 1:4 NIV

Through there He has given His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

 

 

 

Life doesn't promise us rainbows, God does. Which direction are you looking in today? Encouraging you today, to pray your way through the rain.



 

He said, Go !

 

  I think God was repeating Himself to me as I was reviewing some documents stored on my computer. This one I also kept stored in my heart.  I could have held back and waited until the scheduled Wednesday posting, but something, someone, “nudged” me TO GO and share it again tonight. It's a simple message that I am still working to listen to.

 

 

 

TO GO

Praise be to the God and Father or our Lord Jesus Christ,the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (NIV)

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

My heart said go the lady crying, sobbing into her hands in her truck , but I just stayed planted in my car and felt bad for her. As I backed out of the parking space, my heart pounded furiously. Why didn't you go see if you could pray for her?, I asked myself. Instead I wondered, to this day, what it was she was crying about, or how, maybe, I may been the one person it took to help her see God in what ever it was she was facing. Could I have made a difference? God speaks to me and says “yes”, one person, one conversation, could help direct another  in finding Him. It starts with the obedience, “To Go”. Don't wait if you feel that “nudge” of His hand. I may have the voice to say the words that Jesus wanted her to hear.

Our obedience does effect the destiny of others.

Heavenly Father, thank you for trusting in me  enough to be Your voice. Help me to go when you say GO. Please lead me to who it is that needs to hear. And Lord, thank You for sending those who have to whisper  in my ear ..so that I , too, can hear You.

 

 

Shades of Autism... By Jarett

Meet Jarett, my autistically amazing friend. With words in his heart and a pen in his hand, Jarett faces his feelings with determination.

 Along with hiking and working with horses, Jarett, like other children his age,12, enjoys staying busy with his video games.  There is something special about this young man that is very impressive. He has found a way of expressing himself through writing.

 I recently had the priviledge of reading his view of his own autism. Jarett is an awesome boy. I appreciate his willingness to share with others. Enjoy, with me, the words of a brave and honest child. I know this will be a blessing to you as well.












Shades of Autism

By: Jarett

For me the is no in between,Shades of Autism are all I"ve seen.
Things are... either black or white.                                                                        
And anything else just wouldn't be right.
It's like being in a bubble looking out.
Just makes me want to scream and shout!

Words don't always work for me,
Sometimes they aren't what they seem to be.
Sometimes I say the most remarkable thing,
And sometimes I speak with words that sting.
But that’s just me,
Shades of Autism are all I've seen.

Friends may come and friends may go,
But the real me, they do not know.
I want to share and I want to play.
But most times I am alone at the end of the day,
Cause Shades of Autism are all they've seen.

 



Jarett  also wrote about bullying for school. His assignment was to write about a subject in a format of "I Have A Dream." 

I have a dream that one day bullying will stop. I
have a dream that one day kid's that have other
issue's in their life will have friends and family by

their side.
I have a dream that one day I will help stop bullying.
I have a dream that one day that all kids will have a happy life.
 ... I have a dream that one day my niece will be able

to go to school without being bullied.
I have a dream that one day kids will understand that bullying hurts and has consequences.
I have a dream that one day we will stop hurting each other.

 

Jarett, Keep speaking your voice. You are truly a gifted young man.

This song is for you...
 

2 Timothy 1:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.