No
Blame No Shame
Just needing to share.....
No Blame, No Shame
I believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about was simply because that’s what I deserved. I deserved it because of who I was as a person. I was bad. It wasn't so much what I did that made me "bad" - but more just something that I was....something that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I tried to be. Nothing I did to be "better" made anything better or made people treat me better - and so, understandably, I concluded that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I was. If you have felt this, please know that it was an affect of the abuse you experienced, not a statement of truth.
As I grew into an adult, I kept believing that the abuse was my fault. I did something to deserve it. Accepting that we do not have control over everything in our lives and everything that happens to us is a necessary part of healing.
I tried to seek many ways in which I could blame myself..
It was my fault because if I'd been a better maybe “so and so" would have loved me more and not hurt me.
A parent(s) should love and care for you regardless of how you behave or what you do. Their love for you should be unconditional. No matter what you did wrong, or what you think you did wrong, you did not deserve to be abused.
Abuse from a parent does not happen because of some failure or inadequacy on the child's part. It happens because of some failing within the parent.
It's my fault because I didn't tell anyone.
All children who do not tell about their abuse have very good reasons for keeping silent. For example:
Your abuser may have threatened you.
You may have been scared that no one would believe you.
You didn't know how to tell or what words to use.
You were frightened that you may be punished.
You were very confused about what was happening.
You didn't know what was happening was abuse.
……and many many more reasons.
Looking back as an adult at the reasons you had for not telling, you may think these reasons as not good enough. Adult survivors of child sexual abuse may say to themselves, "I was so stupid to believe that threat". But try to understand that the way you see things now is going to be completely different to how you saw things as a frightened abused child. The fears you had about telling would have been very very real back then, and you shouldn't dismiss what a powerful silencer fear and uncertainty can be.
Most abusers are very fearful of what will happen they are made public. They may fear what their families and friends will say to them; they may fear prison,of losing their jobs. And so, they are going to try to make sure that the child doesn't say anything to anyone. ONE way of doing this is to tell the child that it's their fault that the abuse is happening. Telling the child it is their fault, is a way for the abuser to control the situation by making the child afraid that they will be blamed and get into trouble if they report it to anybody.
It's my fault because I didn't fight hard enough.
Children do not have the physical strength or theability to think adults. Often there will be threats hanging over the child's head if they don't do as they are told - and so they may feel totally unable to fight on any level.
Children do what they can to survive an attack and submission is not desire, it is survival.
It's my fault because I didn't say NO!
Many child survivors feel that they are partly to blame for the abuse because they didn't say "NO!” There are many reasons why you might not have said no:
You were confused.
You didn't know you were allowed to say no.
You didn't want to say no.
You were too frightened to say no.
Children cannot consent to a sexual relationship because they are below the age of consent. It is not the responsibility of a child to say "no" to sex.
It's my fault because I thought I wanted it or said I wanted it.
All children, especially as they reach their teenage years, start thinking about their sexuality and become interested in exploring sex. This is perfectly normal, and even necessary for healthy sexual and social development. Children and teens who are reaching this age may become attracted to people who are older than them, and may even desire or seek to engage in intimate relationship with them.
A responsible adult understands that children who are under the age of legal consent are not mentally, psychologically or physically ready for sexua linteraction, and therefore they should not engage with a teen in this way. Therefore, even if you initiated, wanted or "consented" to sexual contact with an older person it was still abuse and it was not your fault.
It must be my fault because I was abused by different people.
Some children are abused by more than one person in different times of abuse. If you have been the victim of multiple abuses you may feel that you must be to blame because you keep getting chosen to be abused – and in fact some survivors talk about feeling they have a label on their head saying "hurt me".
Child abusers may target children who are more vulnerable. Child survivors may find it difficult to tell the difference between good touch and bad touches.
It's my fault that I didn't protect my siblings.
Just needing to share..... No Blame, No Shame
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we often
grow up blaming ourselves for the abuse that happened. As children, we are
bought up to know that "adults know best" - and so when someone tells you often
enough that it's your fault, eventually you believe it. I was to blame.
I believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about was simply because that’s what I deserved. I deserved it because of who I was as a person. I was bad. It wasn't so much what I did that made me "bad" - but more just something that I was....something that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I tried to be. Nothing I did to be "better" made anything better or made people treat me better - and so, understandably, I concluded that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I was. If you have felt this, please know that it was an affect of the abuse you experienced, not a statement of truth.
As I grew into an adult, I kept believing that the abuse was my fault. I did something to deserve it. Accepting that we do not have control over everything in our lives and everything that happens to us is a necessary part of healing.
I tried to seek many ways in which I could blame myself..
It was my fault because if I'd been a better maybe “so and so" would have loved me more and not hurt me.
A parent(s) should love and care for you regardless of how you behave or what you do. Their love for you should be unconditional. No matter what you did wrong, or what you think you did wrong, you did not deserve to be abused.
Abuse from a parent does not happen because of some failure or inadequacy on the child's part. It happens because of some failing within the parent.
It's my fault because I didn't tell anyone.
All children who do not tell about their abuse have very good reasons for keeping silent. For example:
Your abuser may have threatened you.
You may have been scared that no one would believe you.
You didn't know how to tell or what words to use.
You were frightened that you may be punished.
You were very confused about what was happening.
You didn't know what was happening was abuse.
……and many many more reasons.
Looking back as an adult at the reasons you had for not telling, you may think these reasons as not good enough. Adult survivors of child sexual abuse may say to themselves, "I was so stupid to believe that threat". But try to understand that the way you see things now is going to be completely different to how you saw things as a frightened abused child. The fears you had about telling would have been very very real back then, and you shouldn't dismiss what a powerful silencer fear and uncertainty can be.
It’s my fault because I let the abuse go on for so long.
You didn't "let" the abuser keep abusing. You were overwhelmed and powerless to stop the abuser.
It's my fault because I liked it happening because it felt good.
You didn't "let" the abuser keep abusing. You were overwhelmed and powerless to stop the abuser.
It's my fault because I liked it happening because it felt good.
Regardless of how it felt to you,
what happened was still abuse.
When children are touched sexually, conditioned responses are automatic and natural to the body and they happen whether you want them to or not.
It's my fault because I wanted that special time.
When children are touched sexually, conditioned responses are automatic and natural to the body and they happen whether you want them to or not.
It's my fault because I wanted that special time.
It may have been that this was the only time
that you felt wanted, needed or special. Abusers can be very good at making
children feel like the abuse happens because they love you so
much.
Regardless, the abuse was still 100% wrong. The abuser abused his knowledge of your emotional needs and wants, and used that to get what he wanted.
It's my fault because my abuser said it was
my fault.Regardless, the abuse was still 100% wrong. The abuser abused his knowledge of your emotional needs and wants, and used that to get what he wanted.
Most abusers are very fearful of what will happen they are made public. They may fear what their families and friends will say to them; they may fear prison,of losing their jobs. And so, they are going to try to make sure that the child doesn't say anything to anyone. ONE way of doing this is to tell the child that it's their fault that the abuse is happening. Telling the child it is their fault, is a way for the abuser to control the situation by making the child afraid that they will be blamed and get into trouble if they report it to anybody.
It's my fault because I didn't fight hard enough.
Children do not have the physical strength or theability to think adults. Often there will be threats hanging over the child's head if they don't do as they are told - and so they may feel totally unable to fight on any level.
Children do what they can to survive an attack and submission is not desire, it is survival.
It's my fault because I didn't say NO!
Many child survivors feel that they are partly to blame for the abuse because they didn't say "NO!” There are many reasons why you might not have said no:
You were confused.
You didn't know you were allowed to say no.
You didn't want to say no.
You were too frightened to say no.
Children cannot consent to a sexual relationship because they are below the age of consent. It is not the responsibility of a child to say "no" to sex.
It's my fault because I thought I wanted it or said I wanted it.
All children, especially as they reach their teenage years, start thinking about their sexuality and become interested in exploring sex. This is perfectly normal, and even necessary for healthy sexual and social development. Children and teens who are reaching this age may become attracted to people who are older than them, and may even desire or seek to engage in intimate relationship with them.
A responsible adult understands that children who are under the age of legal consent are not mentally, psychologically or physically ready for sexua linteraction, and therefore they should not engage with a teen in this way. Therefore, even if you initiated, wanted or "consented" to sexual contact with an older person it was still abuse and it was not your fault.
It must be my fault because I was abused by different people.
Some children are abused by more than one person in different times of abuse. If you have been the victim of multiple abuses you may feel that you must be to blame because you keep getting chosen to be abused – and in fact some survivors talk about feeling they have a label on their head saying "hurt me".
Child abusers may target children who are more vulnerable. Child survivors may find it difficult to tell the difference between good touch and bad touches.
It's my fault that I didn't protect my siblings.
Some children feel guilty that they weren't able
to protect their brothers / sisters from the abuse – and believe they are partly
to blame for this abuse. You cannot be held responsible for anything your abuser
did to you or to anyone else. Your abuser is the only one that can take
responsibility for what they've done.
It is important to learn that the abuser had
control and is to blame...not you. You were a child and should have been treated
and respected as one.
I am praying for education before this healing
needs to occur.
Please Lord, let the abused child in each of
us, keep the knowledge that we are innocent. Thank You Heavenly Father, for
never letting us be alone. I praise you for the healing and for seeing us
through your eyes.
Mark 5:34 He said to her,
"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your
suffering." (NIV)
Are you a victim of child abuse? Is your
past haunting you with blame? Give it to God. Ask Him to let you see what He sees
in you. I am praying that you too can begin to see the real you.
Awesome post, Mary! I'm so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nan. I had to share it again for some very special people who I have met recently. The message remains the same. God is so good..beyond GREAT !!!! Love you bunches Nan !!!
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