Never could I erase the scars of emotional abuse. The haunting memories of child sexual abuse, rapeand molestation lingers brought horrible memories. Nightmares crept into my restless nights. The
mother I needed to turn to turned on me leaving me with no self esteem. For twenty years , even after
the death of my mother, I hated, literally hated what she was about.. To not have a parent stand up or
protect and innocent child has got to be the most unforgivable act of a human being, Short of being the molester themselves, neglect is such a hurtful abuse. How could I ever forgive the person in my life that cut me with words, accused me of wanting such things, and wouldn't give me a healing hug for comfort but instead threw her hands around my neck to choke and threaten me for this happening.
Even worse, I turned my back on God.
After the rough waters of childhood, came the storms of marriage. I thought Jesus would calm the
waves. Instead, even in my claim of Christianity, I caused torturous waves, The only self esteem I
learned was in my acceptance in what I learned in human approval.. If God couldn't help me from he beginning, then I would solve the self esteem issues even if it was the end of me. I turned so far away from my husband and God. I hurt those around me without them even knowing. I didn't even care. I wanted it all to end. Suicidal thoughts beat me up. I thought I had no where else to turn. I was ready to give it all up. No longer could I face the trial and the jury.
Pleading guilty, I dropped hard on my knees. knowing there was no where else to turn I still don't know how it happened. I just know that I woke up and knew if I didn't turn my life around, I would be turning to hell. What I had to do next was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I had to forgive.
After great prayer and Christian counseling, I made the biggest step toward healing. I forgave. I
actually said the words out loud that shouted inside of me. My heart thumped as I struggled with the
words, “I forgive you mom”. She wasn't there to hear me speak. Even if she were, I don't know if she
would accept the need to be forgiven. But I gave it to God and He allowed me to see her with a
different view. Hurting people hurt people, She had to have been hiding pain that a young daughter
could not see until she grew to face her own life's pain.
I ached with anger still. But this time I was angry with me. I neglected , I abused my marriage without him ever knowing how. He wallowed around in my sadness and stood under the grey cloud I sheltered under. I let my children feel the destruction and depression. It may not have been the same neglect, but I know it was there,
And I ,for the very first time felt sorry. In forgiving my mother, I began a journey, one step closer to
the goal God wanted me to reach. I forgave myself. I am thankful for Jesus, who forgives, and in awe
of God who lead me to Him, I now know that healing could not happen without the simple step to say
and accept the words “forgive me” even when just spoken to my own self.
I wrote this over two years ago. This week I have had to dig deep and pray hard about forgiveness issues. I had to go to God again and ask Him to fix something in my heart that triggered pain from these memories. I didn't want to bring them back to surface. God knew where I was and reminded me that He is there to provide strength in forgiving again. I had to rely on His examples of mercy.
If you are broken, know that the Lord can heal. Forgiveness isn't always easy. It definately isn't always popular..but does refresh, renew and heal. You don't have to stay broken. Forgive to heal.
Luke 6:36-37 ESV Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven