GUILTY !

GUILTY !

 I  visualize myself digging my nails into the shoulders of my mother, "What is wrong with you?". I hear the courts place judgement,"Guilty!". Drive down the streets while smirking with satisfaction of seeing the signs in the front yards saying Registered Sex Offender. I have had thoughts that any sex offender should have certain body parts "decapitated".

 None of these happened to my abusers. None.

I have lived my life with guilty feelings, shame, embarrasment, humiliation and degraded. Why does it seem that they don't have one bit of remorse?  Those parents, the ones who knew what was happening to thier own flesh and blood but did nothing to stop it from occurring. Parents,who were supposed to protect should have been locked up with murderers, they helped murder the souls of thier own children. Why couldn't they be the ones to beg for mercy and forgiveness? Were they proud of thier accomplishments?

They won. I raged that none of those things happened. And now, they are dead. There was no closure. The door of these events were shut in my face. That slamming rang in my heart and blistered my memory. For thirty five years I desired revenge. I had unresolved things that I held on to.

"They died with thier own blood on thier hands". These words were given to me after sharing my thoughts of empty revenge. The same lady reminded me of the Bible verse that said,"Vegeance is Mine" said the Lord.

Romans 12:19 KJV  Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord. .

 BUT...In the depths of my gut there was a desire  to seek justification. Retailiation. I wanted to act for God. I wanted to be God in this area. I wanted to be involved in the act of revenge. There was a need to expose the filth of what they did, who they were, and how they shattered. I didn’t want to forgive. Forgiving my abusers seemed to reduce the significance of the crime and their need for punishment. I could not allow the abusers to be off free of penalty with the sentence of not guilty.

Yet I had to remind myself that it is not over for them. It is in God's hands . I had no control then or now. He is my only answer. God will give them what is due.

1 Corinthians 4:5 NLT So don't make judgments about anyone ahead of time--before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due.

Pondering over the  the verses that were given to me , the Holy Spirit lead me to giving my self- centered unforgiveness over to the Lord. 
Releasing the perpertrators to God, I no longer have to carry the ball and chains that weighed my life down. I deserve to live a life free from the pain of the abuse and to live a life that is no longer “tied” me to the abuser. I chose healing myself over holding onto anger. After many years of imprisonment I became ready to begin the process of forgiveness. I chose to let God go about His business.

Forgiveness has allowed me to move forward . Forgiveness is not condoning others' behavior, it's understanding why it occurred, having compassion for myself and the others, and releasing the grip of blame and hurts. God wouldn't instruct me to forgive if He couldn't give me a way to do it. God continues to listen to my prayers  and provides strength in this area when I need it the most. He can do the same for you.

Are you dealing with unforgiveness ? God is willing  meet you right  where  you are and help bring you to an amazing place of true forgiveness. You can trust Him, He knows what is best for you. Know that He loves you and wants you free from the hurts of your past. You can take what the Lord has done for you and minister it to others in need. Make a difference in peoples lives where you are. Praying that you can make the choice of healing through the first step of forgiveness.

Father Forgive Them