As an attendee of a wonderful Christian Communicators Conference, I tried my best to deliver a message in just a few minutes. I tried and tried to do this my way. Once again God showed me that I had to do it His way or face the chaos that comes with it. Peace came just as the camera rolled. ( Or was it when it ended? ) I sighed relief and thankfulness as I dropped to my knees before Him just as I spoke these words of saving His Grace.
As
survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we often grow up blaming
ourselves for the abuse that happened. As children, we are
bought up to know that "adults
know best" - and so when someone tells you often enough
that it's your fault, eventually you believe it. I
was to blame.
But God Had Other Plans
I
believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about
was simply because that’s what I deserved. I
deserved it
because of who I was as a person. I
was bad. It wasn't
so much what I did that made me "bad" - but more just
something that I was....something
that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I
tried to be. Nothing I did to be "better" made anything
better or made people treat me better - and so, understandably, I
figured that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I
was.
As
I grew into an adult, I kept believing that the abuse was my fault.
I did something to deserve it
I
became so many of the things I knew I didn't want to be when I grew
up. I struggled with alcohol and addiction to prescription
medications. I toyed in shallow relationships. Satan had me
believing his lies. I was bad .
John
10: 10 says The thief came to steal, kill and destroy.
And
the life I had developed looked like I gave him permission to do
exactly that. I was plagued with thoughts of suicide. With a bottle
of 90 pills in my hand I was ready to end
my life because I was bad.
I
hit rock bottom. Depression bombarded me and shacked up in my spirit.
I was ready to end it all.
BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS
BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS
I
ended up on my knees at the floor of a church healing room where God
perfectly placed two wonderful prayer warriors to pray over me. They
prayed His word.
Jeremiah
29:11For I know the plan I have for you , Declares the Lord, Plans of peace and not of troubles,
plans
to prosper and not to harm me.
I
have not lost the sight of my plan for you. It is for your benefit
and for your good.
You
do have a destiny of hope and a future.
The
ladies placed sweet oil on my
forehead and it slowly trinkled down the sides of my face a mingled
with my tears. The scent reminded me of my mother's perfume.
The mother I longed to
have in my life. I placed my head in my hands and finally gave all
those doubts and lies to God. I climbed up in Papa God's lap I found
hope in HIS truth.
When
the doubts and fears sneak into or try to bombard my mind I am
reminded that God has a plan for me: one that doesn't harm but brings
me the riches of His love.
And
today, my prayer for you is to believe in the truth of His word, and
that you know, without any doubt that you have a hope and a future
in Him. He loves YOU.
Thank you for sharing your heart Mary - Beautiful post and I'm so thankful that God had other plans - Love you sister!!
ReplyDeleteMaggie
Thank you for stopping by. I, too, am thankful that God has better plans for all of us. You are so special Maggie. Loving getting to know you...even more.
DeleteBlessings--- Doodle Mary_-- <3
Beautiful written with God's love and strength leading you to this place,the final place of hope,faith and love for yourself,for he sees your worth. God Bless you Mary.
ReplyDeletePaula, thank yfor for you continued encouragement and prayers as I walk this journey. I love that you hold my hand in prayer. Love you !!!
DeleteOh my goodness! This is powerfully beautiful. I'm so proud of you. I know the Lord is going to take your pain and use it to draw others to their place of healing. I can't wait to see what happens next for you. Love you!
ReplyDeleteNan, keep your eyes open. We will see great unexpected things in all our lives. I love You Nan.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are moving forward and are able to proclaim victory over your past. The consequences of our yesterdays can be so debilitating. I know how hard it is to press through to freedom myself. Mary...You are going to be powerful in your proclaiming of the truth. Don't ever give up. God will give you the wisdom you will need as you go along your path. I am proud of you Girlfriend!!!!
ReplyDeleteMary, I can not remember a time in my life where you werent in it. When I was a little girl, I thought you were the awesomest, so happy, so caring, so nice, so funny. I never would have guessed all this was going on in and around you. The fact that you hid this so well, that you suffered so intensely inside of yourself, just reminds me of the reasons I loved you since the day I met you. Being older myself, I see much more clearly the reasons behind the reasons. You have a strength, a faith, a determination that is unrivaled by most. I am so proud of you, not only for putting these thoughts into words, but also for standing up there and sending those words out. You released a ghost from haunting your soul, you sent him out into the world, where We, as your family and friends, can learn and pass it on, but more importantly, to help you heal. To help others in pain, to heal.
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly honored to call you my family, my friend. And I know that this is just the beginning, You are RIGHT. God has plans for you, girl.
Very very very special plans for an extraordinarily special lady.
I love you !
Thank you for sharing, God bless you dear friend!!
ReplyDelete