As an attendee of a wonderful Christian Communicators Conference, I tried my best to deliver a message in just a few minutes. I tried and tried to do this my way. Once again God showed me that I had to do it His way or face the chaos that comes with it. Peace came just as the camera rolled. ( Or was it when it ended? ) I sighed relief and thankfulness as I dropped to my knees before Him just as I spoke these words of saving His Grace.
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we often grow up blaming ourselves for the abuse that happened. As children, we are bought up to know that "adults know best" - and so when someone tells you often enough that it's your fault, eventually you believe it. I was to blame.
But God Had Other Plans
I believed that the reason I was hurt so badly by people I cared about was simply because that’s what I deserved. I deserved it because of who I was as a person. I was bad. It wasn't so much what I did that made me "bad" - but more just something that I was....something that was in me in spite of how well I tried to behave or how good I tried to be. Nothing I did to be "better" made anything better or made people treat me better - and so, understandably, I figured that I was treated badly simply because of who and what I was.
As I grew into an adult, I kept believing that the abuse was my fault. I did something to deserve it
I became so many of the things I knew I didn't want to be when I grew up. I struggled with alcohol and addiction to prescription medications. I toyed in shallow relationships. Satan had me believing his lies. I was bad .
John 10: 10 says The thief came to steal, kill and destroy.
And the life I had developed looked like I gave him permission to do exactly that. I was plagued with thoughts of suicide. With a bottle of 90 pills in my hand I was ready to end my life because I was bad.
I hit rock bottom. Depression bombarded me and shacked up in my spirit. I was ready to end it all.
BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS
BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS
I ended up on my knees at the floor of a church healing room where God perfectly placed two wonderful prayer warriors to pray over me. They prayed His word.
For I know the plan I have for you , Declares the Lord, Plans of peace and not of troubles,
plans to prosper and not to harm me.
I have not lost the sight of my plan for you. It is for your benefit and for your good.
You do have a destiny of hope and a future.
The ladies placed sweet oil on my forehead and it slowly trinkled down the sides of my face a mingled with my tears. The scent reminded me of my mother's perfume. The mother I longed to have in my life. I placed my head in my hands and finally gave all those doubts and lies to God. I climbed up in Papa God's lap I found hope in HIS truth.
When the doubts and fears sneak into or try to bombard my mind I am reminded that God has a plan for me: one that doesn't harm but brings me the riches of His love.
And today, my prayer for you is to believe in the truth of His word, and that you know, without any doubt that you have a hope and a future in Him. He loves YOU.