Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I Didn't Mean to Lie
I didn't really mean to lie to my husband, not exactly.Well maybe I did, but I sure found ways to justify it. Why was I afraid to be honest with him? In trying to find the right answer to that question, I discovered something. I didn't trust. But was it him? Could I not trust the man I had been with for thirty something years? I could tell a stranger about the abuses I faced as a child. Why not tell him? I hid this from him from the start of our dating. So why was the denying to continue for more than 30 years. Wasn't he supposed to be my very best friend? Isn't that who you are supposed to be married to? What was so special about this situation that I could not confide to him with such a secret?
I prayed about telling Donnie. I would shake that thought right out of my thick head "NO!". It wasn't that I had a dirty little secret and had fun with it. A game? Will he hurt me? No. Yet I know Satan did his best to convince me differently. Then why couldn't I just spill my guts and let it flow? Why not just tell him? Why couldn't I trust him? Why Why WHY ????
God answered me. No where in the Bible does it say we are supposed to trust our spouse. Really? Yes. Really. God only says,"TRUST ME". I had to put 100 % trust in God. He would take care of the rest.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
So I prayed. And prayed. And then when I thought I couldn't pray anymore, I had others do it for me.
One morning, my heart was jumping out of my chest. It was what I called,"An alter call thumping". I knew, before my feet hit the floor that morning, I was to tell my husband the "secret". The timing couldn't be more perfect.
My husband and I were doing our normal routine of watching television together before we started our day. The preacher was just about through with his message. I would normally get up when he started selling his books to help support his ministry. Only this time I couldn't budge. I knew what was about to happen. I whispered to my husband that I wasn't ready to get up yet. I closed my eyes, kept my head on his pillowing shoulder and prayed one more prayer before anything would come out of my mouth. I heard the preacher say the words that helped ease my way into the conversation. Preacher Jimmy said that there were people who needed prayer because they were blocking thier marraige healing because a spouse could not share of childhood sexual abuse. Oh my goodness did he just say that? (Thank You Papa God) I swallowed the lump in my throat and put my life in the hands of God. "We need to pray. I was very sexually abused as a child.".
I was prepared for all hell to break loose. Instead, Heaven swept a warm touch on us when my husband replied, "I thought so all this time.". I can not tell you what peace came over me. Donnie held me close. When my husband's arms and gentle hands held me, God held my life in the palm of His hands and kept me safe.
I can't express the joy that I have felt in the last two months since that morning. Because of trusting in Him, not in man, I am set free. My marraige is healing more and more day by day. I didn't know the day would actually come that I could say I am in love with my best friend. I now am. Many years I have pushed away what God has meant to be good. I am more than ready to live this new life with my husband. One that allows God to provide all that is good...through tusting in Him.
We must consciously bring the presence of the Lord into our days and all our trials, reaching out to Him and putting trust in His plans for us.
Are you blocking God from giving His abundance of Joy in your life? What can you do to be set free? Trust in Him. there is none more worthy.
1 Peter 5:7
(New Living Translation )
Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.