Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Take Zero: The Unwanted Video

I hate it.  I HATE it !  I HATE IT !!!. I hate knowing eyes saw my abuse through child pornography. One more nasty little HUGE secret I kept from my husband for over thirty years. Shame has its way of digging deep into your bones and then leaks out every now and then from your eyes.
I cried in my office remembering the day that I received mail from the boy I was "going with" during the time of the major part of my abuse. That package came just a couple of years ago. It was a movie. Oh no... THE movie? No cover. No title. Not addressed to me but to my husband. Oh Crap. ( But I am sure I said another word. ) Why would he send it to him ? How did he have THAT movie for over 35 years. How did HE manage to get hold of it? Hell was choking me as the lumps gathered in my throat. My hands shook for weeks. I did not want to look at such filth. How nasty. How degraded I was feeling. How terribly horrible that I was displayed for some sick person's sexual pleasure. 
 I was going to let a friend of mine look at it ."I just want to know if it's what I think it is." 
But I could not bring myself to letting another human being see me in a child pornography video. I had heard I was in it. The boys who told me that they saw me in it even explained some details. Details that I remembered. It had to be true. I don't remember seeing the video camera. But I believed their words. I remember "doing " what they described. Why wouldn't I believe it? After all, my abuser coerced my very vulnerable very young appetite with the same type of videos. Clips still play like a broken reel to reel flipping over and over and over again in my mind.
Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of that garbage. This isn't something I  feel like I can take care of by myself.  Right now, I feel the need for therapy. I am not ashamed of saying such. I just told my husband about this horrific situation that I lived through. It has surfaced and it has been gnawing at me. Tension aches down my neck and back. My arms hurt. It's a real problem. And it's one that I have to pray through. God's got my back...and my heart. I have to give Him my mind as well. Satan would love to do a victory dance because He feels like I will snap under the pressures he put me under. (HA ! I have walked through many fires, I will trod and dance through this one too.) Although this may seem like small things to some people, those who have experienced know very well the damage it can cause.  But I know a great big God who can smooth the rough waters in this, just as He has done with the other abuses. I, once again, put my trust in Him for healing.

  If you are a victim of any abuse, including child pornography, you too can find comfort by going to the Heavenly Father and ask Him to ease the pain and heal the wounds. Nothing you say will surprise Him. He longs to hold you in His arms and bring you back to the place before the pain. When you don't feel like you can walk the walk with Him, He will carry you through it.

Papa God, I need You tonight. I need to feel whole and pure and not ugly, nasty or belittled. God You know these things happened so very long ago. You also are aware of the  short and long term effects it can bring. Father God, please heal the wounds. I praise you that you comfort me when I call on You. I thank you for giving me a loving supportive family and caring husband. I plead to You Lord, that you help other victims to heal and find peace and supply them with the Love that they too are searching for. I know with out a doubt, God, that You have love for me even when I don't feel like anyone should love me. You love me when I can't love myself. Help me to find that peace again. I need You.
In Jesus Name. Amen


    If your child is a victim of sexual, he or she may deal with effects of this abuse long after the abuse has stopped. In order to help your child, it is important for you to understand what he or she may go through as a result of the sexual abuse. Every victim is different, however, many victims do tend to display the same psychological effects after the abuse. Depending on the severity of the incident(s), you child will suffer from different types psychological  and behavior problems.
Each situation is different, but your child may have a range of residual effects from the sexual abuse that he or she experienced as a child. These effects can include, but are not limited to:
  • Anxiety
  • Fear
  • Guilt
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Withdrawal from others/activities
  • Acting out
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Fear of the opposite sex
  • Trust issues
  • Eating disorders
There can be short term or long term effects of the sexually abusive encounter(s) that your child has. Some short term effects, which usually disappear after two or three years, include:
  • Sleeping problems
  • Eating disorders
  • Regressive behavior, such as bed-wetting, wanting to sleep in his or her parent’s bed, thumb sucking, etc.
  • Withdrawal from activities or people
  • Behavioral issues
Long term effects of sexual abuse can be more devastating, as they can last well into adulthood. Some victims may never fully recover from their traumatic experiences. Some examples of long term effects of sexual abuse are:
  • High levels of anxiety
  • Self-esteem issues
  • Participation in risky behavior, such as drug use, unprotected sex, etc.
  • Alcoholism/drug abuse
  • Insomnia
  • Lack of trust
  • Depression
  • Guilt
  • Shame
Not every victim of child sexual abuse will undergo these side effects. If you are concerned about your child’s well being after learning of a sexually abusive encounter, there are some things that you can do to reduce his or her experience of these side effects. You can make sure that your child knows that you support him or her, and that you do not blame him or her for the encounter(s). At this time of need, the child needs to be comforted and made to feel safe. Doing this can greatly improve his or her psychological state. Another way to help your child is by sending him or her to a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse cases. Seeking professional help can give your child the resources that you might not be aware of. 
It is not only important but it is also the law to report child sexual abuse. Please  call 911 or contact the proper authorities in your area to stop the abuse from happening to another child.


  1. Awww Mary, this bring tears to my eyes to know you have gone through so much pain and heartache and abuse. How Satan loves to bring the past smack dab into our faces and our hearts to try to bring us to a place of shame, guilt and condemnation. But God in His mercy has freed you from all of it. He has saved you and cleansed you and brought you out of it. I pray that you will find comfort, healing, peace and love from your Father and you will never heap these ugly accusations upon yourself ever again. Bringing it to light defeats the darkness. Hugs and love, Marcie
    Psalm 32:7; Romans 8:1

  2. Marcie, thank you for taking time to share your encouraging words. Yes..God has freed me from the abusers. He makes me more free every minute of every day from those lies of Satan. Sometimes the memories just...well... hurt. But I praise God that He is the comforter. He calms my aggravated emotions. How wonderful it is to be able to rely on our Heavenly Father to be there for us through the "bad days". No matter what we are facing... He is there.
    I want to post the Bible verses you shared so that readers can have them available right now. How wonderful His promises are.
    God Bless you Marcie. I am forever grateful He placed you not only in my life but in my heart. I love you.

    Psalm 32:7 New International Version (NIV)
    You are my hiding place;
    you will protect me from trouble
    and surround me with songs of deliverance.

    Romans 8:1 New International Version ( NIV)
    Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

  3. O dear sweet Mary, my heart weeps for this sabotage of the enemy, using the only weapon he has at his disposal-your memory. Praying for you, my sweet sister.

    1. Thank you for the prayers Cyn, they are surely working. Like all things, we can have things like memories, feelings, frustrations, but, it's how we choose to handle them that makes the difference. I am handing them over to God and asking Him to ease all of it. Ya know what? He listens too. Please continue those in prayer that Satan's tools vanish... for all survivors In Jesus Name.
      Love you Cyn.

  4. Mary isn't it sweet what God has done?