AWAKENED

AWAKENED

The sun beat down through the window and heated the skin of my arm which propped my limp body. I was awakened, by the heat, just to remember that I was in the hands of the accuser. The car was parked in front of a brick building where wood was nailed to the window frames to keep trespassers out of the abandoned building. Exiting from the door was the man that drove me there. He carried over his arm his plaid wool jacket and carried a manilla envelope. He opened the car door and threw his items in the back seat next to me. I shut my eyes pretending to be asleep. He caught me awake stealing a glance at him. He glared at me through his review mirror with stinging eyes. We drove just a few miles when he pulled over and motioned for me to get in the front with him. Frightened, I did as directed. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him and shoved my head to his lap. “Get Down!” as a car passed by. I had no idea where we were that day. Somewhere between Get me out of here and hell. The violator reached to the back seat and picked up the envelope. He pulled out the pamphlets and held them out to me. “Listen to what I say or this is where you will be next.” My hands trembled as I skimmed through the New York City prostitute advertisements. This was just prior to the trip that my mother allowed me to go to with the 51 year old demon controlled man. At thirteen years old, I would be going to the big city with a man who was almost a stranger, by permission of my "disturbed" mother.

.

I can be riding in a car and wake from daydreams. Nightmares. Memories of moments like those. I often would slip into anxiety filled with fright, from placing myself right back into that old brown galaxy that would escort me to places of disgust. Heat not only from the sun has captured me and wakened my drifting envisioning mind, but moments that bring embarrassment would ring the alarm of my inner child.

What Satan had given me in nightmares, God has used as a tool in healing. I waken less and less with fear of  not knowing where to run, where to hide, or where to escape the pain. I am now waking in Him and He in me. It is a process. Active. Day by day... works through prayer. God lets me remember, and He also lets me know I am safe. I am no longer that scared child being demanded by Satan to “Get Down!”. I find strength and am encouraged by His Word.”Stand”.

1 Corinthians 16:13 …..stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

I am awake with knowledge and protection of my Heavenly Father. I am not where I used to be. But through the Father I am now, somewhere between Get me out of here and Heaven. The road less traveled. The road on which I am now awake in Him.

Heavenly Father, I pray for healing, grace and deep comfort for those who have been hurt through any form of abuse. Restore and rebuild what sometimes seems unrepairable. Give us courage, Lord, to take the right road that leads to You.  Thank You for reminding us that although life may be hard, You remain Good. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen

 

 

LIFE IS HARD (BUT GOD IS GOOD)

 

I Hate the Question. But We Need to Know...

I am going to be honest with you. I don't want to talk about the sexual abuse situations. Don't ask me details. I can tell you that it happened, when it happend, where it happened and who did it. But if you dig any deeper I will probably shut down, shut you off and go into defense mode. I don't want to tell you the dirty little secrets that hide under my bed. I'm the little girl who fears that they will sneak back from under there and attack me again.

My close friend asked me a question just before we went into a restaurant for breakfast. I stumbled and choked up over her words. As I heard the question I tripped right into the memory and wanted to close my ears and scream SHUT UP.  The question wasn't directed about me but about a situation she was trying to solve for herself. That didn't matter. I became the child in my memory and became ashamed of myself. The inquiry invited depression. "Do you think the victim (of  child sexual abuse) "trolls up" victims for the pedophile?"
 
Oh my! I zoned out quickly, placed myself back to those days and as I came back to the present, I shook knowing I may have indeed did just that. Did I gather more children for the attacker? Did I do this knowing that the man would probably hurt them? Did I care about thier safety? What kind of sick human being would do that?  I must have been evil. Sick. Heartless.

No, I was a child who defended and protected myself the only way I knew how. My friend watched me become the insecure little person again. Precious reassurance came with her words. Her intentions were never to take me back to that negative time. I knew that. But, I was still there even hours after we departed for the day.

Satan used that moment in my car to bring me back to the "days without rainbows". 
John 10:10  NIV  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; .....

The devil knows the work that survivors of abuse have to go through to overcome the pain. He knows the short and long term effects of his wicked ways. Satan walks on this earth to kill and destroy. And he was doing that to me. He was stealing my joy of recovery.

 
BUT...There is another part of John 10:10.... I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

With request to God, I climbed out of the pit I fell into and Satan wasn't allowed to keep what he stole. "I went to the enemies camp and I took back what he stole from me."  God wants us to have a full life through Him. He waits for us as He holds the wounded. Waiting to caress and mend the broken in body and mind.

Take a prayerful pause to  meditate, listen and view this song. Both words sung and written with the video can help in the journey with the awesome direction of...  "This is Where the Healing Begins"



There are many short and long term effects of abuse. I am researching for myself, the things which to pray to God about, of hurts that need healing and curses that need broken. If you have the time please read the following information about what effects childhood abuse can take place after the incidence occurs . Pray for God to show you how to heal, how to help and how to answer the questions of your mind and others.

Sexual abuse effects on children and youth can show itself though both emotional, physical and ways. These effects can be just as devastating whether it happened only once or if there were repeated abuses. Each case is different. You cannot compare one occurance to another. Sexual abuse effects on the child or youth are connected to the child/youth's life before, during and after the sexual contact.  Sexual abuse effects continue long after the abuse stops.

Emotional and Physical , Sexual abused and molested children suffer many symptoms, including:

Lack of self-esteem and finding value is them selves (self worth)

issues with trust                                                               

abnormal growth and development

problems with intimacy                                                  

 control over his/her body

normal loving and nurturing                                

not able to find a sense of feeling safe and secure

learning problems                                                            

clinging

psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches and headaches

a young child knows more than they should about sexual activity; child may exhibit seductive behavior

aggression and bullying behaviors                            

 sudden changes in eating and/or sleeping habits

depression and anxiety

refusal to change clothes in front of others

isolation

obsessively good behavior

obsessed with cleanliness

relationship problems

anti-social behavior

unwillingness to participate in social activities

running away

truancy / long absence from school

long absence from participation in extracurricular activities

dissociation--a child's existence is dependent on his/her ability to separate from the pain, which, in the most repulsive cases, may result in multiple personalities

risky behaviors such as stealing and other delinquencies

animal cruelty

alcohol and drug abuse

dysfunctional relationships

avoiding confrontation

self-harm, including cutting and burning

paranoid behavior

promiscuous behavior

compulsive and aggressive sexual behavior

self-destructive sexual behavior and prostitution

in adulthood, sexual dysfunction--avoidance of or phobic reactions to sexual intimacy

becomes the abuser

attempted and completed suicide


"Remember how Jesus often asked hurting people what they wanted from Him. He knew they were hurting – like He knows you are hurting – but only an abuser would force himself on others against their will. The good and gracious Lord is the exact opposite. He longs to heal but moved by the deep respect He has for you, He waits until he is invited. The God of Truth needs you to acknowledge the truth of your pain and to trust him to touch that ever so tender part of you with his healing hands. We are usually afraid to acknowledge the extent of our hurt because it seems bottomless. Some of us think if we start crying, we will never stop. Others of us fear that our rage will be uncontrollable if we admit to ourselves the guilt of others. Some us of mistakenly suppose that God will be angry with us. But when at last we muster the courage to face the reality of our suffering and invite the tender God of Truth into that hidden part of us, we find that any pain that results is fleeting and the peace is endless. It is then that we regret all the years wasted avoiding healing."

 

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I

Dear " Little Me" A letter to the hurt child inside.

 

 

 

I was angry at this victim of childhood sexual abuse. I remained frustrated at her for not stopping things from happening to her. I despised her for causing the other children's abuse.

I held her responsible for not making the adults hear what she was trying to tell them. Because of her, other children were destroyed sexually.  Come on !!! This child knew, in time, that things were wrong. Very wrong. How dare her sit and know of the man who touched other children. I know she went to the right authorities, "in time", but what about the other times? What about when her little friend, with disabilities,  who ended up in the hands of the evil one? Wasn't she to blame because, she, herself was not strong enough to yell out any louder?

How dare that child have the gut feelings about the death of another child because of  what she thought a pedophile did. Couldn't she have prevented such acts? What is wrong with this so innocent looking child? This child...this...little ...child.....

 

 

“Dear little Me,"

I am so sorry.

I want you to know that when you were hurt- it wasn’t your fault. When men took advantage of you – it wasn’t your fault.  When other children you know were hurt, abused, raped  or mangled- you were not to blame. It was not your fault.  (Do you hear me?) You don’t have to go through the rest of your life carrying the burden of guilt that was not yours to carry. Throw the shame far from you and walk away. Run.

The things were said about you left you believing you were worthless and unlovable. They were all lies.  You cried out but were muted. You didn't get listened to but your words spoke for so many. Do not think your voice couldn't be heard. Continue to speak up as you grow. I will  help you to speak on behalf of the others who have been hurt. I owe that much to you.... to us.

Jeremiah 1:6-7 NIV

^{6 .......}“I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

⁷ But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.



You are precious. Look inside of you. The treasure that is ‘you’ is waiting to be cared.  You, little one, battled with determination. I admire the fighter in you. You are a survivor. I'm sorry, "little me", for expecting you to act as an adult.  I held you accountable for the lives of many. You were not an adult.

Now I am  the adult. You can come to me and I will protect and help heal the broken heart I know you have had all these many years. I kept you a prisoner of depression. Could you ever forgive me for all the suffering I put you through?  I shamed you leaving you with no self esteem. Forgive me for the pain I put you through. I am so sorry for the tears that streaked your innocent face. You never deserved to hide in life's closet with the evil demons I compared you with. I wish I could take back those years.  Hurtful words that I spoke to you were uncalled for and unfair. I should never ever have treated you in such a way. You were just a child.
I am here for you now and will remain a safe harbor. It isn't too late for you to run and skip. You are safe. I give you permission to laugh and play and find the childhood you missed out on. Take me with you. Let's dance in the rain. Draw hearts in the sand with our names in it. Giggle. Loudly. Sing Jesus Loves me... out loud. Live with a purpose. Be free.

You are loved,
ME


Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

Dear Lord, help us to heal. Help the children in each of us to heal.Heavenly Father, I ask you to help us speak for those who cannot. Thank you for never leaving us. In Jesus Name.


If you or someone you know is being abused in any form, I recommend prayer in addition to getting help. Reach out to someone safe who will assist you in protecting yourself. If you notice someone else who is being abused, seek guidance on how to help that person reach the proper authorities and counselors.


Please listen closely to the song I have added to this blog. Pray as you hear the call to BE A VOICE.