I Hate the Question. But We Need to Know...

I am going to be honest with you. I don't want to talk about the sexual abuse situations. Don't ask me details. I can tell you that it happened, when it happend, where it happened and who did it. But if you dig any deeper I will probably shut down, shut you off and go into defense mode. I don't want to tell you the dirty little secrets that hide under my bed. I'm the little girl who fears that they will sneak back from under there and attack me again.

My close friend asked me a question just before we went into a restaurant for breakfast. I stumbled and choked up over her words. As I heard the question I tripped right into the memory and wanted to close my ears and scream SHUT UP.  The question wasn't directed about me but about a situation she was trying to solve for herself. That didn't matter. I became the child in my memory and became ashamed of myself. The inquiry invited depression. "Do you think the victim (of  child sexual abuse) "trolls up" victims for the pedophile?"
 
Oh my! I zoned out quickly, placed myself back to those days and as I came back to the present, I shook knowing I may have indeed did just that. Did I gather more children for the attacker? Did I do this knowing that the man would probably hurt them? Did I care about thier safety? What kind of sick human being would do that?  I must have been evil. Sick. Heartless.

No, I was a child who defended and protected myself the only way I knew how. My friend watched me become the insecure little person again. Precious reassurance came with her words. Her intentions were never to take me back to that negative time. I knew that. But, I was still there even hours after we departed for the day.

Satan used that moment in my car to bring me back to the "days without rainbows". 
John 10:10  NIV  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; .....

The devil knows the work that survivors of abuse have to go through to overcome the pain. He knows the short and long term effects of his wicked ways. Satan walks on this earth to kill and destroy. And he was doing that to me. He was stealing my joy of recovery.

 
BUT...There is another part of John 10:10.... I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

With request to God, I climbed out of the pit I fell into and Satan wasn't allowed to keep what he stole. "I went to the enemies camp and I took back what he stole from me."  God wants us to have a full life through Him. He waits for us as He holds the wounded. Waiting to caress and mend the broken in body and mind.

Take a prayerful pause to  meditate, listen and view this song. Both words sung and written with the video can help in the journey with the awesome direction of...  "This is Where the Healing Begins"



There are many short and long term effects of abuse. I am researching for myself, the things which to pray to God about, of hurts that need healing and curses that need broken. If you have the time please read the following information about what effects childhood abuse can take place after the incidence occurs . Pray for God to show you how to heal, how to help and how to answer the questions of your mind and others.

Sexual abuse effects on children and youth can show itself though both emotional, physical and ways. These effects can be just as devastating whether it happened only once or if there were repeated abuses. Each case is different. You cannot compare one occurance to another. Sexual abuse effects on the child or youth are connected to the child/youth's life before, during and after the sexual contact.  Sexual abuse effects continue long after the abuse stops.

Emotional and Physical , Sexual abused and molested children suffer many symptoms, including:

Lack of self-esteem and finding value is them selves (self worth)

issues with trust                                                               

abnormal growth and development

problems with intimacy                                                  

 control over his/her body

normal loving and nurturing                                

not able to find a sense of feeling safe and secure

learning problems                                                            

clinging

psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches and headaches

a young child knows more than they should about sexual activity; child may exhibit seductive behavior

aggression and bullying behaviors                            

 sudden changes in eating and/or sleeping habits

depression and anxiety

refusal to change clothes in front of others

isolation

obsessively good behavior

obsessed with cleanliness

relationship problems

anti-social behavior

unwillingness to participate in social activities

running away

truancy / long absence from school

long absence from participation in extracurricular activities

dissociation--a child's existence is dependent on his/her ability to separate from the pain, which, in the most repulsive cases, may result in multiple personalities

risky behaviors such as stealing and other delinquencies

animal cruelty

alcohol and drug abuse

dysfunctional relationships

avoiding confrontation

self-harm, including cutting and burning

paranoid behavior

promiscuous behavior

compulsive and aggressive sexual behavior

self-destructive sexual behavior and prostitution

in adulthood, sexual dysfunction--avoidance of or phobic reactions to sexual intimacy

becomes the abuser

attempted and completed suicide


"Remember how Jesus often asked hurting people what they wanted from Him. He knew they were hurting – like He knows you are hurting – but only an abuser would force himself on others against their will. The good and gracious Lord is the exact opposite. He longs to heal but moved by the deep respect He has for you, He waits until he is invited. The God of Truth needs you to acknowledge the truth of your pain and to trust him to touch that ever so tender part of you with his healing hands. We are usually afraid to acknowledge the extent of our hurt because it seems bottomless. Some of us think if we start crying, we will never stop. Others of us fear that our rage will be uncontrollable if we admit to ourselves the guilt of others. Some us of mistakenly suppose that God will be angry with us. But when at last we muster the courage to face the reality of our suffering and invite the tender God of Truth into that hidden part of us, we find that any pain that results is fleeting and the peace is endless. It is then that we regret all the years wasted avoiding healing."

 

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I

Days without Rainbows

I adore the sweet days that God has provided. But lately, it's been a rainy season. Cloudy, cold and dreary. Writing of recovery and healing, for both myself and others, did put a smile on my heart. But today it felt like only a shadow, a glimpse of a memory of what that joy felt like. When I looked I saw the storm behind me, it brought blurry tears which ran down my cheek. Pain often returns trying to keep me captive. Rainbows seemed too far ahead to see and impossible to find while I looked at what I left behind. It haunted me.

Depression and disappointments. Blame and Shame. Self rejection. The storm can splash huge waves of negativity right into your soul.

I searched the internet to find a song, a message, that would help me find the praising escape. God, please, I feel so...trapped today. God heard and on the screen was today's “theme song” for me. STAND IN THE RAIN. It is exactly what I was doing. Standing. Getting soaked up in feeling sorry for myself. Letting Satan's lies over rule the promises of my loving Father.

I can't let Satan be my puppeteer. Letting him take control would be telling God that His promises were nothing to me. It would be the same as making Satan my god. Was I willing to call my Heavenly Father a liar? Was standing in the rain worth the pain? I need a rainbow God. I give control back to you. Help me to face forward so that I can see the rainbow. I know Your promises are there.

 

 

2 Peter 1:4 NIV

Through there He has given His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

 

 

 

Life doesn't promise us rainbows, God does. Which direction are you looking in today? Encouraging you today, to pray your way through the rain.



 

He said, Go !

 

  I think God was repeating Himself to me as I was reviewing some documents stored on my computer. This one I also kept stored in my heart.  I could have held back and waited until the scheduled Wednesday posting, but something, someone, “nudged” me TO GO and share it again tonight. It's a simple message that I am still working to listen to.

 

 

 

TO GO

Praise be to the God and Father or our Lord Jesus Christ,the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (NIV)

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4

My heart said go the lady crying, sobbing into her hands in her truck , but I just stayed planted in my car and felt bad for her. As I backed out of the parking space, my heart pounded furiously. Why didn't you go see if you could pray for her?, I asked myself. Instead I wondered, to this day, what it was she was crying about, or how, maybe, I may been the one person it took to help her see God in what ever it was she was facing. Could I have made a difference? God speaks to me and says “yes”, one person, one conversation, could help direct another  in finding Him. It starts with the obedience, “To Go”. Don't wait if you feel that “nudge” of His hand. I may have the voice to say the words that Jesus wanted her to hear.

Our obedience does effect the destiny of others.

Heavenly Father, thank you for trusting in me  enough to be Your voice. Help me to go when you say GO. Please lead me to who it is that needs to hear. And Lord, thank You for sending those who have to whisper  in my ear ..so that I , too, can hear You.

 

 

Shades of Autism... By Jarett

Meet Jarett, my autistically amazing friend. With words in his heart and a pen in his hand, Jarett faces his feelings with determination.

 Along with hiking and working with horses, Jarett, like other children his age,12, enjoys staying busy with his video games.  There is something special about this young man that is very impressive. He has found a way of expressing himself through writing.

 I recently had the priviledge of reading his view of his own autism. Jarett is an awesome boy. I appreciate his willingness to share with others. Enjoy, with me, the words of a brave and honest child. I know this will be a blessing to you as well.












Shades of Autism

By: Jarett

For me the is no in between,Shades of Autism are all I"ve seen.
Things are... either black or white.                                                                        
And anything else just wouldn't be right.
It's like being in a bubble looking out.
Just makes me want to scream and shout!

Words don't always work for me,
Sometimes they aren't what they seem to be.
Sometimes I say the most remarkable thing,
And sometimes I speak with words that sting.
But that’s just me,
Shades of Autism are all I've seen.

Friends may come and friends may go,
But the real me, they do not know.
I want to share and I want to play.
But most times I am alone at the end of the day,
Cause Shades of Autism are all they've seen.

 



Jarett  also wrote about bullying for school. His assignment was to write about a subject in a format of "I Have A Dream." 

I have a dream that one day bullying will stop. I
have a dream that one day kid's that have other
issue's in their life will have friends and family by

their side.
I have a dream that one day I will help stop bullying.
I have a dream that one day that all kids will have a happy life.
 ... I have a dream that one day my niece will be able

to go to school without being bullied.
I have a dream that one day kids will understand that bullying hurts and has consequences.
I have a dream that one day we will stop hurting each other.

 

Jarett, Keep speaking your voice. You are truly a gifted young man.

This song is for you...
 

2 Timothy 1:7

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

 

 

 

Dear " Little Me" A letter to the hurt child inside.

 

 

 

I was angry at this victim of childhood sexual abuse. I remained frustrated at her for not stopping things from happening to her. I despised her for causing the other children's abuse.

I held her responsible for not making the adults hear what she was trying to tell them. Because of her, other children were destroyed sexually.  Come on !!! This child knew, in time, that things were wrong. Very wrong. How dare her sit and know of the man who touched other children. I know she went to the right authorities, "in time", but what about the other times? What about when her little friend, with disabilities,  who ended up in the hands of the evil one? Wasn't she to blame because, she, herself was not strong enough to yell out any louder?

How dare that child have the gut feelings about the death of another child because of  what she thought a pedophile did. Couldn't she have prevented such acts? What is wrong with this so innocent looking child? This child...this...little ...child.....

 

 

“Dear little Me,"

I am so sorry.

I want you to know that when you were hurt- it wasn’t your fault. When men took advantage of you – it wasn’t your fault.  When other children you know were hurt, abused, raped  or mangled- you were not to blame. It was not your fault.  (Do you hear me?) You don’t have to go through the rest of your life carrying the burden of guilt that was not yours to carry. Throw the shame far from you and walk away. Run.

The things were said about you left you believing you were worthless and unlovable. They were all lies.  You cried out but were muted. You didn't get listened to but your words spoke for so many. Do not think your voice couldn't be heard. Continue to speak up as you grow. I will  help you to speak on behalf of the others who have been hurt. I owe that much to you.... to us.

Jeremiah 1:6-7 NIV

^{6 .......}“I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

⁷ But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.



You are precious. Look inside of you. The treasure that is ‘you’ is waiting to be cared.  You, little one, battled with determination. I admire the fighter in you. You are a survivor. I'm sorry, "little me", for expecting you to act as an adult.  I held you accountable for the lives of many. You were not an adult.

Now I am  the adult. You can come to me and I will protect and help heal the broken heart I know you have had all these many years. I kept you a prisoner of depression. Could you ever forgive me for all the suffering I put you through?  I shamed you leaving you with no self esteem. Forgive me for the pain I put you through. I am so sorry for the tears that streaked your innocent face. You never deserved to hide in life's closet with the evil demons I compared you with. I wish I could take back those years.  Hurtful words that I spoke to you were uncalled for and unfair. I should never ever have treated you in such a way. You were just a child.
I am here for you now and will remain a safe harbor. It isn't too late for you to run and skip. You are safe. I give you permission to laugh and play and find the childhood you missed out on. Take me with you. Let's dance in the rain. Draw hearts in the sand with our names in it. Giggle. Loudly. Sing Jesus Loves me... out loud. Live with a purpose. Be free.

You are loved,
ME


Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

Dear Lord, help us to heal. Help the children in each of us to heal.Heavenly Father, I ask you to help us speak for those who cannot. Thank you for never leaving us. In Jesus Name.


If you or someone you know is being abused in any form, I recommend prayer in addition to getting help. Reach out to someone safe who will assist you in protecting yourself. If you notice someone else who is being abused, seek guidance on how to help that person reach the proper authorities and counselors.


Please listen closely to the song I have added to this blog. Pray as you hear the call to BE A VOICE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unmasking the Pedophile

Parents often try and figure out what a pedophile looks like, what they think like, what they sound like, and more. But the truth of the matter is that they don’t look any different from anyone else.

Pedophile is a human being. A human being as everyone else. He could be shameless, self centered, nice, dedicated, stupid, wise, smart, boring , mentally sick or mentally healthy. He can love, hate, sacrifice himself, cry, and laugh. He can abuse children with no remorse, or be ready to sacrifice his life for them. Or anything between. Pedophile is just a human being.

A pedophile is an adult who are sexually attracted to children. Unfortunately they are very good at keeping this a secret and very good at making the child trust them. Most likely you would not suspect this person to be a predator. They are hard to detect, but with the right knowledge, you may learn to recognize one.

The following is a list of information about a pedophile:

Both men and women can be guilty. Although the majority are male, both male and female can be guilty of sexual assult.

About 25% of offenders are under the age of 18, where approximately 75% are adults.

Most children are sexually assulted by a person the child knows.

Approx . 30% child of sexual abusers are relatives

Approx. 60% are acqauintances

Approx. 10% are strangers

A pedophile looks for a child that need attention, who need love, who need to feel wanted and appear that they do not get that at home.

Pedophiles look for opportunity. They will show up to activities such as sport practices, school dances, sleep overs (slumber parties), churches, schools. They place themselves in an area of trust and easy access.

The pedophile "courts" his victim by buying gifts and/ or takes them places to make their target feel special.

Pedophiles become good listeners. They learn the weakness and strength so they know how to build self esteem of the victim and play with thier emotions.

They are more interested in children than adults.

Affectionate towards children

Pedophiles may have activities with children that parents are not invited to or involved in.

Pedophiles become more interested in the child than in the spouse or to his girlfriends child.

Identifies better with children rather than people of his own age.

One factor that works against the pedophile is that eventually the children will grow up and recall the events that occurred. Often pedophiles are not brought to justice until such time occurs and victims are angered by being victimized and want to protect other children from the same consequences.

While many persons guilty of child sexual abuse are pedophiles, not all persons who suffer from pedophilia have acted on their sexual urges toward children. Put another way, not all persons who experience the urges of pedophilia participate in pedophilic behavior.

As we become  more educated, we also grow in wisdom and hope knowing that not all thoughts need to be taken to the step of action.

"Let the wicked forsake his way. And the unrighteous man his thoughts;And let him return to the LORD,And He will have compassion on him,And to our God,For He will abundantly pardon." Isaiah 55:7 NASB

Dear Lord, Please help us to teach and reach to all who need to be aware that Satan doesn't just come as a thief in the night. Lord, educate to protect before we have to learn to heal. In Jesus Name, Amen.

 On a personal note.....

As I studied and typed, copied, pasted and wrote ...feelings came to surface that surprised me. I could have grown more angry at the parent who didn't stop these abuses from happening. Especially knowing that they knew and didn't put a stop to the ugliness and theft of innocence. But, with much prayer and counseling, I learned and chose to forgive.

Forgiving wasn't easy. It was probably one of the most difficult tasks I have had to accomplish.

Tonight, I forgive even deeper. I choose to forgive the violator. Please pray with me tonight as I lift the pedophile to the Lord.

 

God, I don't get it. I don't understand why children have to be hurt. You know how my heart is broken. You know, Papa God, that I get so angry inside that I want to take matters in my own hands and destroy the humans who think their desires and actions are justified when they do these horrific acts of sexual abuses to your children. Oh God, what can I do to get these feeling of hate out of my soul? My stomach hurts with memories. I don't want any child to cry themselves to sleep. It sickens me to picture times of my youth ..knowing babies and children are being touched, raped, and broken in the same way I was.. Is there anyway to erase the nightmares?

 I have forgiven the adults in my life...called parents. I have even forgiven myself..even though I wasn't to blame. But tonight. Lord, I need more. And I chose what you have instructed my heart to do. My mind might not agree, but in time, Lord, it will. I chose Lord to forgive the pedophiles.

Heavenly Father, I forgive the ones who stripped me of my dignity. I release them from my life. I don't need to hold onto their sin because of the bondage of my unforegiveness. It has only hurt me. It doesn't damage them for me to hate. It has only killed my spirit. I give them to You,

(You know God, It sickens me to think of the act of these people. Forgiving them and lifting them up has got to be one of the hardest things I can do. But I do it all in your strength. I have faith that I can do all this through you.) Forgive them Father, even when they do know what it is they do.

I lift the pedophiles and the abusers Lord to you. Help us to teach, reach, and prevent so that this prayer doesn't have to happen again.

In Jesus Name I pray,

Hurtfully Yours,

Amen.

 

 

I Didn't Mean to Lie

    I didn't really mean to lie to my husband, not exactly.Well maybe I did, but I sure found ways to justify it. Why was I afraid to be honest with him? In trying to find the right answer to that question, I discovered something. I didn't trust. But was it him? Could I not trust the man I had been with for thirty something years? I could tell a stranger about the abuses I faced as a child. Why not tell him? I hid this from him from the start of our dating. So why was the denying to continue for more than 30 years. Wasn't he supposed to be my very best friend? Isn't that who you are supposed to be married to? What was so special about this situation that I could not confide to him with such a secret?
I prayed about telling Donnie. I would shake that thought right out of my thick head "NO!". It wasn't that I had a dirty little secret and had fun with it. A game? Will he hurt me? No. Yet I know Satan did his best to convince me differently. Then why couldn't I just spill my guts and let it flow? Why not just tell him? Why couldn't I trust him? Why Why WHY ????

God answered me. No where in the Bible does it say we are supposed to trust our spouse. Really? Yes. Really. God only says,"TRUST ME". I had to put 100 % trust in God. He would take care of the rest.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

So I prayed. And prayed. And then when I thought I couldn't pray anymore, I had others do it for me.

One morning, my heart was jumping out of my chest. It was what I called,"An alter call thumping". I knew, before my feet hit the floor that morning, I was to tell my husband the "secret". The timing couldn't be more perfect.

My husband and I were doing our normal routine of watching television together before we started our day. The preacher was just about through with his message. I would  normally get up when he started selling his books to help support his ministry. Only this time I couldn't budge. I knew what was about to happen. I whispered to my husband that I wasn't ready to get up yet. I closed my eyes, kept my head on his pillowing shoulder and prayed one more prayer before anything would come out of  my mouth. I heard the preacher say the words that helped ease my way into the conversation. Preacher Jimmy said that there were people who needed prayer because they were blocking thier marraige healing because a spouse could not share of childhood sexual abuse. Oh my goodness did he just say that? (Thank You Papa God) I swallowed the lump in my throat and put my life in the hands of God. "We need to pray. I was very sexually abused as a child.".

I was prepared for all hell to break loose.  Instead, Heaven swept a warm touch on us when my husband replied, "I thought so all this time.". I can not tell you what peace came over me. Donnie held me close. When my husband's arms and gentle hands held me, God held my life in the palm of His hands and kept me safe.

I can't express the joy that I have felt in the last two months since that morning. Because of trusting in Him, not in man, I am set free. My marraige is healing more and more day by day.  I didn't know the day would actually come that I could say I am in love with my best friend. I now am. Many years I have pushed away what God has meant to be good. I am more than ready to live this new life with my husband. One that allows God to provide all that is good...through tusting in Him.

We must consciously bring the presence of the Lord into our days and all our trials, reaching out to Him and putting trust in His plans for us.

Are you blocking God from giving His abundance of Joy in your life? What can you do to be set free? Trust in Him. there is none more worthy.

1 Peter 5:7
(New Living Translation )
Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.