Why did it take so long for me to come forth and say, "He did this to me. He did it for three years." It happened over and over again. I felt him break my body and my spirit repeatedly. So what was it that made me yell until someone finally heard? At 14, I walked in on someone who I loved very much. Another helpless soul was being ripped apart. Thunder rolled inside of me and the fight for rescue hit me like lightening. I stormed with hate that this was happening. I then felt guilty. Dirty, sad, mad and disgusted. I felt disgusting. I didn't want this boy to feel the same way I had. It was time to put a stop to it all. At least for the two of us.Why speak up about it again? Why now, after all these years? What was the cause of verbally standing up for others? Many people who I cared about were under the same attack. One little boy in particular, that I love very much, was being victimized. It tore my heart into a million pieces. Flash backs occurred. Anger and hurt surfaced once more. A swirl of emotions exploded. Again I had asked myself, Why did it take so long to say something, to speak up for those being victimized ? And again, the storms of life rolled through my bones.
I had been sharing with a particular friend about his issues with childhood sexual abuse. We talked about the Lord and how God had never walked away. We gave each other the hope with words of encouragement. We lifted each other in prayer. God placed us in each others pathways so that we would trip into each others hearts. We shared God.
With all the studying, praying and digging deep into God's word, I became like a race horse, galloping through the rain to the finish line. I trotted past the sounds of thunder and pain of the darts of memory that struck like lightening. It took a long time before either of us to be ready to face our pain and reach for healing. Deep healing comes slowly. To acknowledge that reality is a powerful factor in learning to endure.
It took a very long time before I felt ready to cross the finish line and turn my name from Victim to Victor. I still have more effort to move forward to the end. But as Jesus as my trainer, I will make it through the storm.
Because of a sent message on my facebook today, I noticed I had forgotten to look behind me to see if that other "rider" was still in the race. He sent me a clip from Cecile Murphy. In those words it said,
"I should be healed by now." When I spoke those words, I didn’t understand the pervasiveness of molestation. I wanted to be completely free from my past abuse and to have the memories wiped away.
Life doesn’t work that way. Healing is a process—and the word process means that the changes don't happen quickly.
Another section of the article said, It took a long time before we were ready to face our pain and reach for healing. Deep healing comes slowly. To acknowledge that reality is a powerful factor in learning to endure.
May my timing be God's. No matter when it is that we reach for Him, He is there for all of us. I pray that we can help each other, through prayer and encouragement, where ever we are in the race. Let us endure through Him.
Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
