I Washed My Hands in Dirty Water

Wet grass and dirt stuck to my shoes as I walked the dogs after the rain. I picked up a muddy rock and threw it with all the energy I had into the woods. Frustration had filled my bones. Why again does someone have to judge another? Why do I have to repeatedly hear the garbage and  the fued that travels back and forth between two of my family members? Family Fued. It's isn't a game show. No one wins.

Grrrr, I get so mad. I want to stick my fingers in my ears, stomp my feet and sing like a pouty child,  "I CAN'T HEAR YOU... BLAH... BLAH... BLAH !!!!

Billy Graham, "Anger breeds remorse in the heart, discord in the home and bitterness in the community."

Oh goodness how I was sick and tired of hearing the same garbage over and over and over again. "He said this" She's doing that!" Grrrr. I am not the middle man. That is not my job. Don't put me under these stresses. Can't you let go and let God be about his business?

Wait. I have said those exact words before. Let God be about His business. I think I have washed my hands in dirty water. 

Criswell Freeman, "If your temper gets the best of you ...then others see the worst in you."

God has heard my temper tantrum cries. He has heard me plea to him about fixing situations that I can not fix on my own. I have laid it at His feet, these things over and over and over again. Yet, my shoulders ache with tension because I still can not see the results that I expected, how I expected, when I expected. Did God not hear me the first time? Or was it that I did not trust in Him enough to do His business?

Today I feel like I stubbed my toe on that rock I threw and pain signals rings from the bottom of me to the very top of my head. Or maybe the muddy hands that threw the rock..aimed and threw the rock straight into this thick head of mine.

1 Pet 1:6-7 (Phi) This means tremendous joy to you, even though at present you may be temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials. This is no accident--it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold, and gold, as you know, even though it is ultimately perishable, must be purified by fire.

I was, more than once, told that I get to choose my battles. I get to decide what gets to me and what does not. Thinking on the family stress situation, I can choose to let God "throw the rocks" or take them in my own hands. Around her sometimes the rocks aren't rocks but boulders. I don't have the strength to pick them up. But I do have the choice to.
  
Today, I will let God be about His business and fix the things I can not fix and count it joy that I can release myself from the trials. 

 

Bubbly, Bubbly, Bubbly.. Bubbling Over.

Mark 8:38 NIV If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when He comes in His Father's glory with the holy angels.

 The pastor turned to his congregation and picked out a young girl,    "You are so bubbly. You were bubbling in the hall and you are still bubbling here. Bubbly Bubbly Bubbly. You just bubble over with the Holy Spirit. Just keep letting Him flow all over the place. Keep on bubbling. Bubbling, bubbling, bubbling." 



After visiting the service I went out to lunch with my friend. M.J. and I shared of where to Lord was leading us in our lives. I could just reach over an grab everyone of her words and tuck them in my heart. Bible studies. Witnessing. Counseling. Writing. Sharing. Ministries. Obeying. She was calm and excited all in one masterpiece of God. The more she talked the more I could feel the Holy Spirit bubbling all over the place.

There I was sitting across the table of grilled chicken and salads, sweet tea and yeast rolls and there, shown through her, were His "Bubbles" bubbling all over the place.  And there I was feeling like a container of bubbles with my lid being held on so tight, restricted, about to explode in anticipation of releasing those Holy Spirit bubbles. But I kept silent. Muted. 

Like those bubbles, it often takes the willingness of the hands of His people to reach in grab the wand and with intention make bubbles form. The solution is still the solution but the beauty is evident when shared and made known to others.

Are you intentionally sharing the Holy Spirit that is inside of you? Or perhaps have you noticed that you have been keeping the Holy Spirit pridefully and shamefully hidden?

If you have been as I have been, can we pray together today?

Dear Lord, You have said if I am ashamed of You then You will be ashamed of me. The last thing I would ever want is to be shameful in Your sight. Help me to put away my pride and let my outward actions show my inward feelings of You. Let me burst forth and bubble over showing my faith and trust in You. Help me Lord,  to be bubbly with the overflowing of You. Thank you , that we can share in the beauty of Your Holy Spirit openly and that one day, You too will show us to Your Father...with Joy.
May we continue to freely "bubble bubble bubble" with You.

(I found this cute little song.... I hope it brings you to bubble over with Joy too)

Guest Blogger: Kiesa Kay

Thanksgiving arrives next week, and for the first time since she was 16 years old, my daughter won't be making the big family dinner. I have been blessed with wonderful children who grew up to be kind and generous adults, and they take care of a thousand things both big and small. My son and my daughter will be flying to another state for a memorial service for their cousin, Spencer.  

It has been a rough year for my family. My stepfather, a true dad to me and a real grandpa to my children, died this summer after a long illness. My cousin Larry Dean fell from a tree and died unexpectedly in June. After helping my father through his last illness, my beautiful baby sister had a miscarriage. And now Spencer has gone from the earth.

The older I get, the more people seem to disappear. How little time we have, and how precious each moment feels. If only the healing could hasten, faster, faster.

My mother called today. She misses my Aunt Linda, who died mysteriously almost thirty years ago. My mother and I were estranged for a while, for a thousand reasons. Today she started out by talking about her manicure, her sparkly bright turquoise fingernails. My mother's bling includes remaking her wedding ring. She's going to join my stepdad's ring to hers, fuse them, and create a whole new ring to mark her new life alone. We had a quiet conversation about Aunt Linda, whom we both loved, and about the stunning sequence of sorrows that marked 2014. I realized as I hung up the phone that I have forgiven my mother for every mistake she ever made, and she, bless her heart, has forgiven me.

She did her best, you see. Whatever mistakes happened, she did her best. And life is too short for long grudges. 

Submission by : Kiesa Kay 11-19-14

Take Zero: The Unwanted Video

I hate it.  I HATE it !  I HATE IT !!!. I hate knowing eyes saw my abuse through child pornography. One more nasty little HUGE secret I kept from my husband for over thirty years. Shame has its way of digging deep into your bones and then leaks out every now and then from your eyes.
     
I cried in my office remembering the day that I received mail from the boy I was "going with" during the time of the major part of my abuse. That package came just a couple of years ago. It was a movie. Oh no... THE movie? No cover. No title. Not addressed to me but to my husband. Oh Crap. ( But I am sure I said another word. ) Why would he send it to him ? How did he have THAT movie for over 35 years. How did HE manage to get hold of it? Hell was choking me as the lumps gathered in my throat. My hands shook for weeks. I did not want to look at such filth. How nasty. How degraded I was feeling. How terribly horrible that I was displayed for some sick person's sexual pleasure. 
   
 I was going to let a friend of mine look at it ."I just want to know if it's what I think it is." 
But I could not bring myself to letting another human being see me in a child pornography video. I had heard I was in it. The boys who told me that they saw me in it even explained some details. Details that I remembered. It had to be true. I don't remember seeing the video camera. But I believed their words. I remember "doing " what they described. Why wouldn't I believe it? After all, my abuser coerced my very vulnerable very young appetite with the same type of videos. Clips still play like a broken reel to reel flipping over and over and over again in my mind.
       
Oh how I wish I could erase my memory of that garbage. This isn't something I  feel like I can take care of by myself.  Right now, I feel the need for therapy. I am not ashamed of saying such. I just told my husband about this horrific situation that I lived through. It has surfaced and it has been gnawing at me. Tension aches down my neck and back. My arms hurt. It's a real problem. And it's one that I have to pray through. God's got my back...and my heart. I have to give Him my mind as well. Satan would love to do a victory dance because He feels like I will snap under the pressures he put me under. (HA ! I have walked through many fires, I will trod and dance through this one too.) Although this may seem like small things to some people, those who have experienced know very well the damage it can cause.  But I know a great big God who can smooth the rough waters in this, just as He has done with the other abuses. I, once again, put my trust in Him for healing.

  If you are a victim of any abuse, including child pornography, you too can find comfort by going to the Heavenly Father and ask Him to ease the pain and heal the wounds. Nothing you say will surprise Him. He longs to hold you in His arms and bring you back to the place before the pain. When you don't feel like you can walk the walk with Him, He will carry you through it.

   

Papa God, I need You tonight. I need to feel whole and pure and not ugly, nasty or belittled. God You know these things happened so very long ago. You also are aware of the  short and long term effects it can bring. Father God, please heal the wounds. I praise you that you comfort me when I call on You. I thank you for giving me a loving supportive family and caring husband. I plead to You Lord, that you help other victims to heal and find peace and supply them with the Love that they too are searching for. I know with out a doubt, God, that You have love for me even when I don't feel like anyone should love me. You love me when I can't love myself. Help me to find that peace again. I need You.
In Jesus Name. Amen

MORE INFORMATION:

    If your child is a victim of sexual, he or she may deal with effects of this abuse long after the abuse has stopped. In order to help your child, it is important for you to understand what he or she may go through as a result of the sexual abuse. Every victim is different, however, many victims do tend to display the same psychological effects after the abuse. Depending on the severity of the incident(s), you child will suffer from different types psychological  and behavior problems.

Each situation is different, but your child may have a range of residual effects from the sexual abuse that he or she experienced as a child. These effects can include, but are not limited to:

• Anxiety
• Fear
• Guilt
• Panic attacks
• Anger
• Depression
• Withdrawal from others/activities
• Acting out
• Sexual dysfunction
• Fear of the opposite sex
• Trust issues
• Eating disorders

There can be short term or long term effects of the sexually abusive encounter(s) that your child has. Some short term effects, which usually disappear after two or three years, include:

• Sleeping problems
• Eating disorders
• Regressive behavior, such as bed-wetting, wanting to sleep in his or her parent’s bed, thumb sucking, etc.
• Withdrawal from activities or people
• Behavioral issues

Long term effects of sexual abuse can be more devastating, as they can last well into adulthood. Some victims may never fully recover from their traumatic experiences. Some examples of long term effects of sexual abuse are:

• High levels of anxiety
• Self-esteem issues
• Participation in risky behavior, such as drug use, unprotected sex, etc.
• Alcoholism/drug abuse
• Insomnia
• Lack of trust
• Depression
• Guilt
• Shame

Not every victim of child sexual abuse will undergo these side effects. If you are concerned about your child’s well being after learning of a sexually abusive encounter, there are some things that you can do to reduce his or her experience of these side effects. You can make sure that your child knows that you support him or her, and that you do not blame him or her for the encounter(s). At this time of need, the child needs to be comforted and made to feel safe. Doing this can greatly improve his or her psychological state. Another way to help your child is by sending him or her to a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse cases. Seeking professional help can give your child the resources that you might not be aware of. 

It is not only important but it is also the law to report child sexual abuse. Please  call 911 or contact the proper authorities in your area to stop the abuse from happening to another child.

The Fire. From a Woman Who Lost It All....Or Did She?

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I asked my niece, Belinda Spitler, if I could share her thoughts that she posted on facebook. Please welcome the tender hearted words of Belinda, who lost everything she and her two boys owned in a house fire on September 17th of this year. God bless her, a single mother, who puts her life back together one day at a time.

The fire

     So, everyone keeps asking how I’m doing. I would say that I’m about 96% ok. The other four percent, I’m just lying until I believe it myself. I’m almost in denial. It’s a surreal kinda thing, like it didn’t really happen, except, the reality is that it did. I can feel my inner firecracker trying to come back.  I still love to laugh and be silly, there’s no changing that. I was making stupid jokes while it was happening. As long as I can keep laughing, everything will be fine. I know this.

The things that set me off are less and less each day, but I still don’t know what’s going to trigger my leaky face syndrome. I threw a tantrum one day last week and just started throwing away all the cases to the movies that were saved. I hate the burnt everything and couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. I hate the smell of burnt anything. Burnt toast in the kitchen or a smoke filled room from the grill being cleaned at work had me in tears one day (or maybe more than one. I hate the ashes on my hands and the smell that is still in some of my things. Fire in movies makes me tweak out just a little.

     I’ve gone through a whole range of grieving. Everything from, sad, complete meltdown, ok, anger, denial, and even guilt. Yes, guilt. I was awake at 2:52 a.m. when a fan that we thought was a great find at the thrift store started making horrible squealing noises. Why didn’t I go check on my kids? If I had gotten up to check on them, that was a 25 minute difference from when I was awake to when I was on

the phone with 911. Logically, I know that this isn’t my fault. Mommy guilt likes to show its ugly

head at the most inopportune times. What would that extra 25 minutes have done? Every time I wake up now, you can be damn sure that I’m out of bed checking on those boys.

Belinda's Camera

    I despise shopping. Something that I could just take or leave depending on my mood, I actually despise it now. I try to go to the store, sometimes out of habit or boredom, and I just stare blankly at everything. Yup, I want things, and maybe even need things. It’s not just a filler here or there, it’s everything. Looking at furniture, I think, what’s the point? I’d rather sit on the floor. Looking for shoes, well that’s great, I have nothing to go with them. Grocery shopping, yeah I have no idea. A few meals here and there, but I need everything. The art store, um yeah. It kills. I don’t just need a canvas or a tube of paint, or just something new and different. I need all of it and have no idea where to even begin. I feel like I’m ready to start painting again, just a little, just to give my hands something to do. Am I ready to hang anything on the wall? Nope. I’m more prepared to look at blank walls than I am to hang things up again. I just can’t bring myself to do it. 

      I thought, at the time, that it was better for me to see it happening than to come home and had it already happen. Wrong. So very wrong. I could do without still hearing my children screaming. This is what gets me every time.  I could do without the memory of not being able to get out the front door, and laying in the middle of the road completely helpless, and crying so much that I wanted to throw up, as I watched my house burn. The sound of the smoke detector going off AFTER we got out to the road.

Why don’t we have smoke detectors outside? What seemed like an eternity for the fire trucks to get to my house.  It would have been better for me to just come home to it instead. 

Yes, I know that it could have been worse. I'm so very thankful that no one got hurt. I'm also thankful for the outpouring of love that we've received, the thoughts, prayers, and donations from family, friends, and strangers.  My head is a little screwed up right now, but I'm still so very lucky to have so many fantastic people in my (our) life. These things will lessen over quite a bit of time, and I'm just impatient and ready for it to be done and gone. I've started

over before, more than once, so I know I'm capable. I just want it to go away faster! 

 I asked Belinda, "How has God touched you in this?" My heart smiled as she answered,

     " I know every time something like this happens, I'm being redirected to something better. It takes a little bit, but if you don't let it keep you down, you see what the purpose was a lot faster. I'll be better off than I was before. In addition to the great guy God sent me.

Curtis,Belinda, Lucas and Justin

Belinda is adored and respected by many of her friends. Katie Cox has put together a fund raiser to help assist Belinda and her boys, Justin and Lucas as they work on starting over. You can find this  site at :

http://www.gofundme.com/b79yms

Brilliant photographer house fire

"Belinda is one of my dearest friends, a woman that would give the shirt off of her back for anyone. She is a brilliant fine art photographer and artist. Most importantly she is a single mom that is raising two of the sweetest boys you could ever meet. 

This morning she lost her house in a fire. Truly devastating, but anyone that knows B knows that for her home is where her boys, her camera, and her art supplies are. She and her boys are fine, but all three of her cameras, her computer, and all of her art supplies were destroyed in the fire (along with everything else). Belinda is a waitress at Dennys. She's a college student, she's a mom. These things were an investment for her, they weren't toys. Replacing everything will take time, she will put her boys first. Please help me raise money to replace her equipment and relieve some of the burden from this woman." ( Katie Cox)

Child On Child Sexual Abuse. Who, What and Where....

 

What do you do when you are faced with child on child sexual abuse ? The article below was copied from Wikipedia. Praying over the parents and children who may need to know.

 If  you have reason to believe you child may be involved in any abuse situations please contact the proper authorities.

For investigation resources contact your local law enforcement offices or your local abuse prevention organizations. 

Polk County Offices:
Police departments:
Columbus 828-894-5464
Tryon  828- 859-9195
Saluda 828-749-9292 

Polk County Sheriff's dept. 828-894-3001, 

Steps To Hope 828-894-2340 
Polk County Department of Social Services, 828-894-2100

The following information is from Wikipedia about Child sexual abuse performed by another child.

Child-on-child sexual abuse

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    

Child-on-child sexual abuse is a form of child sexual abuse in which a prepubescent child is sexually abused by one or more other children or adolescent youths, and in which no adult is directly involved. The term has been defined as sexual activity between children that occurs "without consent, without equality, or as a result of coercion". This includes when one of the children uses physical force, threats, trickery or emotional manipulation to elicit cooperation. Child-on-child sexual abuse is further differentiated from normative sexual play or anatomical curiosity and exploration (i.e. "playing doctor") because child-on-child sexual abuse is an overt and deliberate action directed at sexual stimulation, including orgasm. In many instances, the initiator exploits the other child's naïveté, and the victim is unaware of the nature of what is happening to them. When sexual abuse is perpetrated by one sibling upon another, it is known as "intersibling abuse.

Etiology and causes

In the etiology of child-on-child sexual abuse, young children who have not matured sexually are incapable of knowing about specific sex acts without an external source. Consequently, children who initiate or solicit overtly sexual acts with other children most often have been sexually victimized by an adult beforehand, or by another child who was in turn abused by an adult. More than half have been victimized by two or more perpetrators. In some instances, the perpetrating child was exposed to pornography or repeatedly witnessed sexual activity of adults at a very young age, and this can also be considered a form of child sexual abuse.

Prevalence

The incidence of child-on-child sexual abuse is not known with any certainty, similar to abuse by adults. It frequently goes unreported because it is not widely known of in the public,and often occurs outside of adults' supervision. Even if known by adults, it is sometimes dismissed as harmless by those who do not understand the implications. In particular, intersibling abuse is under-reported relative to the reporting rates for parent-child sexual abuse, and disclosure of the incest by the victim during childhood is rare.

Effects

Children who were sexually victimized by other minors including inter-sibling abuse, show largely the same problems as children victimized by adults, including anxiety disorders, depression, substance abuse, suicide, eating disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, sleep disorders and difficulty trusting peers in the context of relationships. The victim often has distorted beliefs about what happened to them, sometimes even thinking they were the initiator or that they went through the act voluntarily.
Major factors that affect the severity of symptoms include the use of force or coercion, the frequency of the abuse, and the invasiveness of the act. An increased risk of victimization later in life has also been reported.
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Dear Lord, As I read over this I recall the times where I was a victim of this exact abuse. I hate the memory of it.  It brings to surface  knowledge of unhealthy bonding. I become angry thinking of the children who get caught up in Satan's trap. Lord, please heal the innocent. I pray for a hedge of protection as we learn to watch for abuse activities. And Heavenly Father, I pray that the effects from such abuse  to be removed from the victim so that they can live a healthy life in the present and the future. I ask for curses to be broken so that this does not continue from generation to generation. Only through You, Lord, is healing possible. I praise you for it. Thank You, God, for carrying us though the trials each step at a time. I stand in awe of such an AWEsome Father.
Its through the name of Jesus I pray, Amen

I Quit Out Loud, I Restart Strong !!!

Isaiah 11:6 NIV

The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling together;
and a little child will lead them.

I sang with my granddaughter as she colored at the dining room table. Crayons scattered and papers decorated even my floor. As she searched for the yellow crayon I began to sing a song that I learned from my 3^rd grade teacher. Mrs Price taught us to “Sing, Sing a Song.” I “la la la'd “and grinned as Natalie looked at me with her cute four year old eyes wondering what in the world was I singing. I pulled up the 1970's Carpenters song so she could see it on You Tube. Of course I found one with the song being sung by the Muppets on Sesame Street which made it even more fun for her to see.

“Sing, sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong. Don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear, just sing sing a song.” It was so much fun to dance back and forth and copy the sounds of the puppet monsters and characters.

Being a grandmother is so sweet. I absolutely love that title. It fits well with my heart. Somehow, today, being a grandmother really paid off. This granny learned something new by having that singing moment with my curly haired Shirley Temple look alike grand youngin'. God has a way of showing us big lessons in the smallest things.

I blog. But lately I have not been writing for my readers. I  DO know why. I have been a reluctant writer because of a very disheartening “run in” with one of my readers.  It's disturbed me greatly. So I quit. Stopping writing isn't the only thing that took place. As an advocate against abuse, I also quit working toward my goal of reaching out to those who need to be educated or encouraged to heal. Another “run in” with another organization brought hesitation to my works. Both of these situations left me feeling incapable and inadequate of doing what I thought God was leading me to do. Both set me back to thinking I did not have the right knowledge to continue with the ministry I had been working toward.

Ok, so what in the world does that have to do with Sesame Street songs? Let's look at those words again, “Don't worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.” But as I sang I heard this...“ Don't worry if they don't think what you are doing is good enough, I ( God) called you to this, Sing out Loud, Sing out Strong !”

I apologize to those who have needed to be encouraged. Please pray as I listen to God to follow His direction and not my own. It is time, again. to sing of good things (not bad ?). Sometimes I am called to sing of Happy ( and sometimes sad ). And if I am writing of either of those, I will praise God for the test, trials, over coming and growth, one step at a time, one day at a time and One Leader at all times. Welcome back to my blog and back to my journey. Thank you for being patient with me during my hestitation and re- evaluting break. Now that I am back please hold onto my hand with prayer. Together we will walk as a little child...leading. While we are at it, we might as well sing !
                                                   http://youtu.be/sU0MIJI-iio