Even Though....

I was the nails that were used to hang Jesus. Sin gripped it's hands around me and shoved me through the flesh and bones of the Lord.

The assignment for this week,  for my Encourager's Christian Writers Group, was to write about an inanimate object, in first person, 500 words or less.

I knew right away I wanted to write about His nails. So I pondered the thoughts of words I would write. Aw, this will sound good.  Then the ideas began to fade. I need a visual to work with. God give me something. Anything. I pleaded this as I walked outside.

What I saw next was perfect. A railroad spike just lay on the ground. Right in front of me lay the perfect tool to use in my writing. Thank you God for giving me this perfect prop. Cold heard, mean. That was the "me" I would "talk though".

Two weeks later, I had still not written anything. Sitting at my kitchen table I pulled out my memo tablet and began to write. Poems. Sentences. Words that mean everything I would feel but never fell perfectly in place. My thoughts were there but the format was scattered and falling apart. 

I lowered my head, ran my fingers through my hair and prayed. God what do you want me to write?

"Even though" The words spoke to my spirit.

"Even though? Even though what? That's it? Even though?"

I picked up the spike of a nail and felt its every shape, bump and imperfection,  I knew everything about it. How it must have been beyond excruciating for the nail to be driven into the feet and hands of Jesus.  It made me tremble. I placed the spiked nail down in front of me.

I have to write about the pain. About the flesh hanging feeling the blood pour from the Lords every dying pulse of His breaking heart beat.

God repeated His words, "Even though."

"God, Even though... what?" I almost argued with Him. "That isn't long enough."  I walked in the bathroom and  picked up the bottle of nail polish. Returning to the table, I painted the nail in a deep red, to represent His precious blood that shed. I, the nail, caused the bleeding.

"Even Though", He said again.

Yes, God,  I know, Even though.

The Holy Spirit poured His love over me as the next line came. I knew then..it was enough.

 Even though.... I was used in sin, God used me in His plan of salvation.

Thank You God.  Silence. I was wrapped in the love of the Holy Spirit who removed the pain of guilt of being the sin nail that made Him hang and die, and brought me to Jesus saying to me, "I am using this for Me"

No matter the sin, no matter the ugly, the hurt, the pain, the shame and the struggle... No matter what Satan used you for in his plans, God can help you say, just as the nail,
" Even though.... I was used in sin, God used me in His plan of salvation." 
 
A quote from Matthew Barnett.... "Your moment of brokenness will one day be a weapon of usefulness."

1 Peter 2: 24-25 NIV: “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”  For “you were like sheep going astray,”^[but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
 

Heavenly Father, help me to take each lesson  and each conquered moment to draw another person closer to the You. Sin may have captured me but through those moments, that brought  me to surrender... there is a plan. Let it be Your plan to use me bring another home to You.

Even though....



LIFTED

The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me. (Psalm 18:20)

Something written long ago came to my mind. I love when God does that. Wakes you up with a nudge  and whisper saying "Hey, remember this?"

 The Colored Ladder

I saw a ladder, each rung of a different color...to represent the symbol of sin. I was at the beginning of the ladder which lead to God. He watched me closely from the top.

For each trial that I am overcoming there is a colored rung. The entire ladder was colored. And for each one I conquered..that rung became white. Holy. Just as God wants our walk (or climb) to be.

Some of the rungs are set farther apart from each other...meaning harder to deal with..but obtainable. Some..I might slip off of...but can get back up on. God watches those hard times and when we know we can't do it on our own. He is reaching down...waiting for us to reach up to Him. He forces us to do nothing...but waits for us call on Him.

In this vision I have made it up only three steps...and there is another dozen to go. But I am climbing it. And I will make it. And even if its not until I make it to heaven..I am climbing one step at a time. I dont want to look down. My goal is to reach the top. Pure. Holy in His forgiveness.

I think about when I wrote this, how God was really working diligently, boosting me, pulling me up because I had no strength and hardly any will power to climb the rungs. But with what I had left in me, I would ask for the Lord to help me. I certainly had no power to step up on any of the steps alone. So, He pulled and brought me closer to Him. I know that no matter how many times I slid down that ladder, God will be waiting for me at the bottom to catch me and at the top to help me up.

I have shared with a friend that my hands have begun to slip again  And I need prayer to bring my grip tighter.

I listen to shared heartfelt stories of ladder climbers. We pray together. Through the Holy Spirit we lift and get lifted. But ouch, does it hurt when we fall back down. And it brings aching to our hearts to have to work our way back. The climb is worth the labor, effort and battle to make it back up again. Again we will pray, and as we cry, and praise, through the perseverance, God will hear. He will rescue.





God delights in you. He loves to delight in you, to bear you up, to cherish you, to hold you, to correct you in love and to help you when you fall.
When you cry out to Him, He rescues. My prayer today is that we are reminded of God's Love that wraps around us and that He delights in us. Rejoice, for in whatever you face, you will reach Him in the climb.

:

Encouraged to Speak

I woke up this morning and on my computer read this....

Today, Mary, we believe God wants you to know that ...

encouragement is important.

Everybody needs to be encouraged, including you. Keep doing the best you can, you've got what it takes and you are going to make it. Remember to encourage others to pursue their own dreams. Build each other up, encouragement is important. 

 

1Thessalonians 5:11 NIV
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

 

 

 

 

A SPECIAL CONVERSATION:

 

 

ME: ok..here is something that sounds completely stupid.... but hey.. I can say anything to you brother...

 

I was molded..we were molded...

isnt MOLD pennicillin? It helps fight off the bad. if we let it

 

told you it would sound stupid

just my own object lesson. LOL

 

DAVID: AWesome.....God has given you insight...not stupid.....

don't berate yourself....

You are such a blessing to me and many others....

 

 

ME: Aw Shucks

 

DAVID: really...I know you..you are pushing this aside...my compliment.....don't do that..recieve it..BELIEVE IT....

God was with you...and He knew, Mary, in spite of all the evil...

you would survive ...

You would tell Your story....

 

 ME: It isn't alwasy easy to write what is actually REAL. It puts a different vision/view point/opinion... out there... different from what others see. So I appear to be this happy go lucky person. Water off a ducks back kinda person. To some.... to others I was the depressed cranky old girl who didn't give a damn (sorry). But now, I want to let others see..life happens. We all get in messes. Some worse than others, but all recoverable. (Did I just mess up what I was trying to write? I just let it flow. Grrr)

 

DAVID: I am no longer in the prison I was in... you helped me see that...your compassion.

 

ME: Freedom is good. Thank You.

 

DAVID: Yes and using those experiences to help others....

that is the key...to bring the light into darkness....

To see how much...God thinks of you...

What a special ministry He is using you  Mary..

 

ME: You make me want to cry

 

DAVID:

You have such a calling on your life....

I don't understand why God didn't stop the abuse...

BUT...

 

ME:

Me neither David. I dont have the answer for that. Not for me or for anyone else.

 

DAVID: I know that God is using you to touch so many..so many. Mary..He has chosen you to speak ...

for so many who need the love of God...

That s my desire to speak out of the pain...to use that pain to help others who are hurting....discouraged..abused...

 

ME: See this little girl?  She was my best friend. She is also the daughter of the man who was the main violator in my life.

 

(Details of this conversation has been removed) 

 

 SHE, represents the ones I speak for. Over and over again I watched her get abused.  No more details necessary. David, I wonder where she is in life. Did she go through the same patterns? Is she a survivor? Did she allow MOLD to grow on her and ruin her or did she fight for what was Godly? Is she living a life of depression, or is  she walking with her "Stop Abuse" sign in her hands and heart? Does she live for God? Was she able to find the freedom He provides? Now what, David? Now what?
Those things, things which God lets me see in my past, those things which I let take control.... Grrr.
Its that life for which I fight for now. I wish I could take back every part of the ugly. But I can't. I can only paint over it with the blood of Jesus.
I don't deserve credit David, God does. If you want to pat me on the back, I'll let ya. :).... but for me? I just want to make it one more day... and let someone else do the same. It's God. Its Jesus. It's all for HIS glory. Not mine.

 

DAVID: I want you to 'SEE"...that out of all those things...the ugly...the terrible...the nasty...the pure evil of it all..that You...Mary Hall Edwards...in spite of all the critics....all those who said you will never amount to anything....even in the moments when it would have been so easy..so easy to end it all....You have survived to tell the story and tell what God has done...is doing in your life....

 

Each life that is touched by your words...

each person who was 'thrown away"...

YOU..in Jesus name...offer hope...restoration...

LIFE....forgiveness...

even in the most terrible of times...

 

ME: Good thing to learn that we can nail it to the cross, or lay it at His feet.

Boy I could drive some nails. But I don't want Jesus to suffer the hits. He already did.. now If I could just bang the HELL out of it all.

DAVID:

yes...but to experience...that experience and what it has taught you, Mary. To love and help others...the healing you have received...the struggle you face....

but in life..this life...so many like what you have experienced...the hurt..the pain..the doubt....so many you can reach with the love of Jesus...




I had a difficult time receiving David's compliments and encouragement. I know there are areas in my life that still haunt and still hurt. "But if in talking and sharing I can erase the punishment due me ..."

Jesus Christ died on the cross to take all the suffering and shame. Deserved, undeserved, brought on, cause by, or done too.... Jesus died for it all. I can nail the ugly and help find the beauty in freedom through the Lord.

Let me speak...for them...for Him. In Jesus Name.

Do you have a story to tell that will help  yourself and others heal? Let me encourage you to share for those who need to hear. Speak through the pain. I will be praying as you do.

Remember..

Everybody needs to be encouraged, including you. Keep doing the best you can, you've got what it takes and you are going to make it. Remember to encourage others to pursue their own dreams. Build each other up, encouragement is important.

 

 

 

 

Bent

A woman, disturbed by evil in her spirit, was unable to look up to the Lord. She, bent in her ways, could only see the downward pits of the world. Jesus knew the evil power that held her low. With divine love and wisdom, He called to her and removed of the spiritual disorders. Through His healing hands she was able to rise up a to the will and love of God.

LUKE 13;10-16:

On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.


I have spent too many years where I could only see the dirt. Filth smothered my memory. Much was brought on by others and others brought on by myself. I am not innocent of some of the causes of the torment. Circumstances caused consequences. Formed  with low self esteem, I gave permission to being bent. I can not give Satan all the credit. God gave me WILL. I used that will to stay in the muddy dirt of depression.

I chose to remain in depression because in that
state of mind  I recieved the attention I searched for. Pity parties were the norm. “Feel sorry for me.” “I am a victim.” “Look what happened to me.” This was the reality I deserved to visit but not to live in.


My blood pressure was out of control. I was sad. I was mad. I focused on me. My doctor put me on several types of antidepressants. I would quit them on my own. I had the right to be depressed and took full advantage of the attention it allowed. After all, people now listened to me when I said something. Right?Wrong.


What I got was being avoided. My thoughts and threats of suicide became a bad habit. Each time I had justified the feeling. With those feelings spoken, I was shunned, turned away from and left to handle these things alone. But, each time, God brought a prayer warrior into my life. I was not pacified by these people, instead prayed for and was guided to let these moments be between me and God. Me and God ..alone.


I was like the bent woman. Childhood misfortunes and adult circumstances left me hanging my head. Looking at the things that happened to me in abuses, my world weighed heavy on my shoulders. I could not find the way out of hopelessness and despair. My life spiraled downward. I couldn't straighten my life out. There was no expectation of hope. It actually happened, all hell broke loose. I was a mess.


What about the prayers? Did they go unheard? Not at all. When I couldn't listen, much less hear, God could. Could I lift my head if it weren't for a request made by each one of those people God placed in my path to pray? I doubt it. Each whisper was captured by the Lord. Every request was listened to. God was waiting for me to come to Him with the same.


When I felt that I came to the end of my rope, I cried out to God, “I can't take this anymore. Please God, help !" I forced each step as I walked into a prayer room with two women I had known from my prior church. I needed rescued. With the only ounce of strength I had left, I slowly surrendered to God. Crooked and bent, mangled and battered, prayer removed my hopelessness. I became encouraged. Daily progression is happening. Prayers continue and so does my growth to be straightened out and to rise.


I was this woman, disturbed by evil in my spirit, and was unable to look up to the Lord. Bent in my ways, I could only see the downward pits of the world. Jesus knew the evil power that held me down. Because of prayer and His divine love and wisdom, He called to me. When I listened and came to Him He removed my spiritual disorders and depression. Through His healing hands I am now able to rise to the will and love of God.


Through His will and love, I stand and see the splendor of Him. I no longer desire to be crippled , depressed and bent to the ways and the will of the world.  

Nan  Jones

 



We need to stay focused on the things that bring praises to God. Things which bring hope. When we can do this, we can be inspired to straighten out our lives. Be straightened in Him. Stand. Look up, look forward and see the the great possibilities of God.

Dear Lord, Help me to remain standing.

 



 

PERFECT PEACE ????

 It has been a difficult walk lately. Attacks have bombarded my heart mind soul and body. I have been tired. Unable to write. Unable to feel the smiles. When family WAR is going on, I feel abandoned. Pushed away and smacked down. Has anyone ever felt that way before? I went to bed last night, prayed for. (Thank You)

I woke up to the same garbage being thrown at me. Gosh I feel like a land fill. Although I, myself, am not the trash heap... its the stuff thrown on me and that just stinks. Pressure has caused many headaches, heartaches and disappointment. Good Grief I feel like a mess.

I was supposed to write on Perfect Peace for my blog this week. Peace? And much more..Perfect Peace? Who was I kidding ?

I fussed at God last night. He knows my feelings. He let me pound on His chest with aggrivation. He sees what is happening. He reminds me that all things happen for a reason. It will build character. I just pray it builds an uplifting characteristic in me, not one that holds grudges and bitterness.

This morning a friend called to see how I was. I went to my computer and was checking my email when another friend text me to ask the same. How are you doing today. (Hey , guess what? people actually do care. ) No one around here seemed to care how sad I was getting in the war zone. After all, I am the "Cape Crusader " with super powers.

Every morning I read The Spirit of Prophecy.
Good morning God. Thank you for letting my heart read words written for me...

Spirit of Faith Bulletin
Faith Tabernacle

April 24, 2013
SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
Come into My peace, says the Lord. Do not allow stress to take you out of spiritual perfection and flow. Be calm and trust Me to perfect those things that concern you. I am with you and will bring you through in great victory. Let your heart erupt in praise and thanksgiving for that which I am doing. I am your shield and your exceedingly great reward. Do not be afraid.

Psalms 27:14 Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord.

So there is it...the answer. Trust Him. He is going to give me victory in this just as he has in the abuse situations. I think I have been forgetting to put on the armor of the Lord. It is time to put HIS shield up and not mine. Mine is weak. His is strong enough to bring victory. It is time I praise Him again.
Thank you all for praying me up when I feel down. Time to put on that Super Hero Cape again. Not mine.. But HIS.

God Bless you all. With much Love... "CCD" (for you insiders who know what that is. :) )
Have you been feeling the stresses of life? I challenge you to find LIFE in HIM through the stress.
God bless you all,
Mary

 

 

Lord I Need You

Peace (Part One) Through a Child's Eyes

 “What is Peace?” Beautiful is the sight of peace through a child's eyes. Read what  the fourth grader's  in my son's class wrote for answers. ( Bible verses were added by me to confirm what thier hearts believe.)

 

 

"Peace is when everything is calm."

Mark 4:39 KJV

 

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace be still. And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.


"Peace is like peace on earth. If you want silence you can say peace on earth."

 

 

 

 

Luke 2:14 ESV

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”           

"Peace is when everything is okay. There's no fighting or bad conflict. Nothing's wrong and there is just peace on earth."

 

 Romans 12:17 NIV

 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.

"Peace is freedom for others."

2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV

 

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom

“Peace means having love and faith to others”

 

Hebrews 1:11

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

"Peace is when nobody is bothering you or being mean. That is what peace is."

Luke 6:27 NIV

 

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

"Peace is a feeling. It is when everybody was living happily and is having fun with nothing bad or mean or anything like that."

Psalm 37:4 NIV

Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

"To be kind and loving."

I Corninthians 13:4-8 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away          

"Peace is kind, generous, loving, and nice."

Luke 6:38 ESV

Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

"Peace is when you are relaxing, like peace and quiet. It's when you relax and no one's making noise."

Job 6:24 ESV

“Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray.

"I think peace is happy and quiet. It is time alone. Peace is when things go smoothly."

Philippians  4:7 ESV

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

"Peace is joy."

Galatians 5:22 ESV

 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

 
"I think peace is no fighting, no war. Jesus told us about it. It's calm, wonderful, no darkness- ever."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John 16:33 ESV

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”    


"Peace is built up energy that gives you the boost when you feel like quitting, but don't. Peace is what you feel when you're happy. Peace is the Lord Almighty working in you. Peace is everyone, no matter how deeply buried inside it is. Peace is like hope, just a little better. Peace is what keeps you going.. Peace is the little joy in life. Peace is everything."

Romans 5:3-4 ESV

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.




While the news report show of sufferings, may we find the wish, the dreams and the hopes of these children. God bless you as you listen to children...knowing peace begins with "me."

This is part one of a two part blog entry. In part two I will write on perfect peace and what it means to me. God bless you as you find peace in your day. May you find it through the Love of Jesus.

GUILTY !

GUILTY !

 I  visualize myself digging my nails into the shoulders of my mother, "What is wrong with you?". I hear the courts place judgement,"Guilty!". Drive down the streets while smirking with satisfaction of seeing the signs in the front yards saying Registered Sex Offender. I have had thoughts that any sex offender should have certain body parts "decapitated".

 None of these happened to my abusers. None.

I have lived my life with guilty feelings, shame, embarrasment, humiliation and degraded. Why does it seem that they don't have one bit of remorse?  Those parents, the ones who knew what was happening to thier own flesh and blood but did nothing to stop it from occurring. Parents,who were supposed to protect should have been locked up with murderers, they helped murder the souls of thier own children. Why couldn't they be the ones to beg for mercy and forgiveness? Were they proud of thier accomplishments?

They won. I raged that none of those things happened. And now, they are dead. There was no closure. The door of these events were shut in my face. That slamming rang in my heart and blistered my memory. For thirty five years I desired revenge. I had unresolved things that I held on to.

"They died with thier own blood on thier hands". These words were given to me after sharing my thoughts of empty revenge. The same lady reminded me of the Bible verse that said,"Vegeance is Mine" said the Lord.

Romans 12:19 KJV  Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord. .

 BUT...In the depths of my gut there was a desire  to seek justification. Retailiation. I wanted to act for God. I wanted to be God in this area. I wanted to be involved in the act of revenge. There was a need to expose the filth of what they did, who they were, and how they shattered. I didn’t want to forgive. Forgiving my abusers seemed to reduce the significance of the crime and their need for punishment. I could not allow the abusers to be off free of penalty with the sentence of not guilty.

Yet I had to remind myself that it is not over for them. It is in God's hands . I had no control then or now. He is my only answer. God will give them what is due.

1 Corinthians 4:5 NLT So don't make judgments about anyone ahead of time--before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due.

Pondering over the  the verses that were given to me , the Holy Spirit lead me to giving my self- centered unforgiveness over to the Lord. 
Releasing the perpertrators to God, I no longer have to carry the ball and chains that weighed my life down. I deserve to live a life free from the pain of the abuse and to live a life that is no longer “tied” me to the abuser. I chose healing myself over holding onto anger. After many years of imprisonment I became ready to begin the process of forgiveness. I chose to let God go about His business.

Forgiveness has allowed me to move forward . Forgiveness is not condoning others' behavior, it's understanding why it occurred, having compassion for myself and the others, and releasing the grip of blame and hurts. God wouldn't instruct me to forgive if He couldn't give me a way to do it. God continues to listen to my prayers  and provides strength in this area when I need it the most. He can do the same for you.

Are you dealing with unforgiveness ? God is willing  meet you right  where  you are and help bring you to an amazing place of true forgiveness. You can trust Him, He knows what is best for you. Know that He loves you and wants you free from the hurts of your past. You can take what the Lord has done for you and minister it to others in need. Make a difference in peoples lives where you are. Praying that you can make the choice of healing through the first step of forgiveness.

Father Forgive Them